good to know i frickin look at your stupid face on your blog every day and you dont ever look at mine
guess im still the one being too attached

Going away

So Christmas ends and the wretched 24th is behind us. I don't know whether to be relieved or sad. I'm just tired lately I guess.
I have been feeling very torn about a lot of things, mostly my girlfriends japan trip, like, of course I want her to be happy but I don't want her to leave me here alone.... But alas I'm going to be alone and I can't do a thing.
I'm moving out again, because this apartment is just way too expensive for me to handle alone, and I'm not sure I want to stay here when she leaves. Because I know she's not coming back, everything ends when she leaves, she doesn't even want to move in with me again when she comes home and she doesn't want me to say goodbye at the airport. She says she loves me but these things say something different. I guess I'm just tired of never really knowing what the hell is going on in her head?
It's tough.
I'm tired.
Sad.
I lover her.

Tonight I fall in love

This week, will undoubtedly be hell. But I wont submit this time; I'll withstand their taunting looks and whispering in the corners. I will laugh and smile and be happy. Because for once I feel like it's going to be okay, for once I feel like I can go this distance.
This week I will fall in love with myself, I will love every inch of my scarred body, and I will cherish the fact that I'm alive and well and I have a wonderful girlfriend who supports me through everything.
This week I will finally be happy with myself, I will look in the mirror and think that I'm good looking, I will stand on the weight and feel like I'm perfect, I will do my best in school and keep up my good work. I will not be depressed this week. And when I come home to my loving girlfriend by the end of the week, I shall kiss her and tell her that I love her, and wish that one day she may love me as much as I love her, now that I finally can love myself. I'm al-right. I'm ok.
I'm happy and I'm alive.

you

i think im the only person you havent kissed on camera
i think im the only person you were so ashamed of that you didnt want to show me to the world
perhaps you hated me, and perhaps i hated myself
you were always so ashamed of me
didnt want to kiss in public
didnt want to kiss on the trains
didnt want this didnt want that
didnt take pictures of me in my sleep, didnt post them online
didnt do the things you do with your new boyfriend
i dont know if im jealous or sad or maybe both
you have all that and heaven too, and i only have this adult grown up love
which of course, is fine its ok its perfect, i love my girlfriend to pieces
i adore her and i want to do anything for her
but i guess i sort of miss
feeling
loved

Death

I dreamt about him for the first time in a long time. I think about him a lot, but this time it was a dream.
He was young, carefree and wild as he was when I first met him. I was shy, long hair covering my face. I loved him, he saw it in my eyes. He loved me, too, but I fear he first really loved me when I left. Regardless,
we were on a meadow, or maybe it was a park. I don't recall. We were laughing. One of his friends was there, Kimi I think her name was. I was wearing a checkered hoodie and baggy pants. I can't recall his clothes.
He told me his girl name, then. I remember it clearly.
Scene cuts, we're in a cinema. I hand him a note.
'Will you marry me?'
I laugh.
I wake up, I'm crying.

Someday, but not today

As the saying goes, nothing lasts forever. Eventually things break and fade. As goes for me. I've been compromised. I lost him, as quickly as he entered my life he left it again. Once again I'm left speechless, I can't seem to figure out left and right.

I'm not angry, and I'm only sad to a certain extent. I'm disappointed. I wonder what I did wrong, this time too that has happened before. There must be something I miss, something I lack. I just don't know what that could be.
Maybe communication. But he should know that I'm bad with texting. I feel better talking to someone. But apparently that wasn't good enough either.
I'm sorry I wasn't better. Sorry for myself, sorry for him. I wish it had lasted longer than a month. Im sorry
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

You're so cute when you're slurring your speech

Cause I built you a home in my heart

With rotten wood, it decayed from the start

You can't find nothing at all,

If there was nothing there all along

September coming and going and the world keeps on spinning. Day turns to night and a new day is dawning. Things change and yet they don't.

A lot have happened in the past month or so. A lot have changed. Two people who can't decide if they wanted to be in my life or not, have vanished. I rarely think about it any more, I guess it doesn't really matter. I take comfort in the quote 'some people enter your life for a reason, others just for a season'. I had a good time, for the most part and yea sometimes I miss them, but it's not so bad any more. We had our moments, and now they're gone and moving on. That's how it goes.

On another note, I met someone. Someone I realise, I like a lot more than I originally intended. 

I didn't want to write about him here, because I don't feel like I can truly capture the feelings he gives me correctly. I don't feel like I can describe the things he makes me feel, and maybe that's for the better. I can only say that he's perfect.

He's perfect.

 I'm not gonna say I love him just yet, but I have the feeling things are gonna be really good. I have a feeling he's the one. I have a feeling he's different. I'm in love, in a completely different way than I've ever been before. I want to buy gifts for him. I want to see him everyday after school, I want to hold his hand and just sit, staring at the night sky. I want to hold him close and feel his heartbeat, feel his warm breath on my skin. I want to be separated from him, but not for a long time, just enough to feel the sweet misery of missing him so damn much, knowing I will be able to see him again soon enough.

Hell, I can't wait to fall asleep beside him, knowing he's still there in the morning.

I think of him all the time, of his eyes, his nose, his lips, his hands, his voice, his entire being. His presence lingers and every time I take a walk in the city, I feel him there.

I can honestly say, I'm irrevocably and unconditionally in love with him.