all that's left

The thought hit me this morning. A song came on, on the stereo that I hadn't heard in a long time. And it woke some feelings. Or thoughts.
Anyhow, the song was Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard.
Now, if you're not familiar with the song, it goes like this.

Two lines in particular stuck in my mind for many hours afterwards.
'We could leave this town and run forever'
'I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together'

Hm.

Naturally I thought of him. So I asked around for his number as I had deleted it as I switched cellphones. At first his brother didn't want me to have it. So I sighed and left it at that. I guess that was the best in any case. But he gave it to me anyway, saying he wanted to speak to me.
I would have sent those particular lines to him, but decided against it.

He was supposed to be with his girlfriend today, and naturally I didn't want to spoil that. So I didn't, and in good thought. They're officially together now. That's nice for them, I'm happy he has someone special.

I'm not really angry either. I thought I would be. But I'm not really.
Maybe it's because I talked to her today. For hours. I started seeing her a couple of times lately. It's always a pleasure and I guess I'm not completely healed after what happened, what, a year ago by now? I still have a soft spot for her. And in the end I love her. Alas, she has a lot of things going on and has a girlfriend and likewise with him, I'm not going to destroy that. They're happy, gonna stay that way.

I'll just be the friend and pillar she needs me to be. I'll be her support and her guide. Someone she can depend on and see when she feels like it, regardless of time and date and hour.
I'll always be there for her, and that's a promise. I wont hurt her anymore.

I'm starting to grow distant and numb. People bore me, I barely feel anything anymore.
It's all flowing together in a mess of colors, sights and sounds.
I can't distinguish one from the other.
I don't know if I'm happy, or hurt, or sad, or overjoyed.
I can barely feel the physical pain I put on myself. It's just an endless blur of sights, a spur of the moment. A rollercoaster ride that never stops.

So, what should I feel?

no you're not sorry, no you don't care
because all I was for you
wasn't twice as good as her

happy or hurt
what's the difference?
it doesn't matter

flowing together
like two waters at a point
everything is blurred
nothing feels real

the best thing ♥

This is the best thing

The best thing that could be happening

And I think you would agree

The best thing is that

it's happening to you and me ♥

I'll stand up again

As I exhale I hear your voice

And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise

And from my lips the words I choose to say

Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise

Because I love you

Oh god, I love you

Wish granted ♥

So I guess that settles it.

I'm moving to Germany.

Whether or not it works out with Calvin, we'll take from there. Right now all that matters is getting away. And I'm young, I strive for adventure. And this will be an awfully big one.

And I'll give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

And sooner or later it's over

I just don't wanna miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's meant to be broken 

I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

That's what you get when you let your heart win

Det var en fejl. At se ham de to gange i December. Det var en stor fejltagelse. Jeg tænkte hey, det kan ikke gå så galt. Jeg tænkte jeg er forelsket i en anden, what the heck. Give it a shot.
Han var i Århus samme dag som jeg skrev.
Jeg gav ham nogle gaver.
To gange.
Den anden var ret latterlig. Et billede i en gul ramme. Et billede af vores skygger. Vi tog det i Vejle. Sidste sommer. Jeg kan huske den dag. Ikke om det var den første eller sidste gang vi så hinanden i Vejle, men jeg kan huske den tydeligt. Heh.

Jeg gik i panik den tredje gang vi skulle ses. Skrev ikke til ham. Ignorede ham. Jeg havde haft et panik anfald aftenen inden. Jeg turde ikke sige noget til ham. Han skrev heller aldrig. Det endte med at jeg gik rundt i byen alene. Gik de steder vi ville have gået, sad de steder vi ville have siddet. Jeg tror det regnede lidt. Latterligt, tænkte jeg.

I sidste ende er det jo det man kan regne med. Når man er ustabil. Når man har store, tydelige fejl. At folk forandrer sig. At de forelsker sig i andre. Og det er okay. Jeg er ikke sur. Jeg er glad for at han har fundet en han føler han kan stole på og forholde sig til. En som er det jeg ikke er. Det er fint.

Et sted gør det bare ondt. Men jeg må bare bide i det sure æble og trække på skuldrene. Være voksen. Sige den rigtige kommer nok forbi på et tidspunkt.
Måske skulle jeg holde mig fra forhold. Men på den anden side, jeg kan ikke fungere uden kærlighed. Jeg er som et hungrende dyr, søger mod det. Lige meget om det viser sig at være farligt. Nemt. Trættende.

Jeg er dum, jeg ved det.
Jeg er desperat.
Jeg ved det.

Men hvad kan jeg gøre, jeg har prøvet at ændre mig.
I did, really try.

Men måske er det bare på tide at finde en der kan acceptere de fejl. I stedet for at prøve at ændre dem, når de er så indgroet en del af mig som de er.
Måske er det på tide at lade være med at jagte ham. At lade være med at tjekke al hans aktivitet på nettet. Lade han være.
Men på den anden side har jeg jo prøvet det. Flere gange og jeg ender altid det samme sted.

Men ak, 2011 er gået og til Januar starter han et nyt liv uden mig. Med hende.
Og det er fint.
Det er jeg glad for.

Måske kan han endelig få den kærlighed tilbage som han fortjener.