Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed
 I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

 Everything that I said I'd do
 Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
 I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
 And the world spins madly on

 I let the day go by
 I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
 The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

 Woke up and wished that I was dead
 With an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

 I thought of you and where you'd gone
 And the world spins madly on.

Frustration

Empty promises broken

Deep below

Each word gets lost in the echo

So one last lie I can see through

This time, I finally let you

Go, go, go

~ Linkin Park, Lost in the Echo ~

Frustration.
It's a trial.

I talked with her some days ago. It ended in a fight. She provoked me. I can't handle when people question me. Question what I do. She says she accepts me. Accepts my 'unhealthy' view on myself. That I'm a guy, trapped in the wrong body. Says she doesn't support it. Hell, she's the only person whose support would mean the world to me, and she doesn't. Mocks me. Says it's not right. Nothings ever good enough for her! Nothing I do is ever right. I'm just a shoulder to cry on, for her. Treats me like I mean everything to her one moment and trashes me the next. I wish I could understand her. I wish I would be enough for her, for once. That I would be perfect. But I'm not. I'm not a girl, not a guy. Not boyfriend material, not girlfriend material. I guess I finally understand what it means to be friendzoned.
She tells you, she can't be with a girl, then engages in a lesbian relationship only months after. I get it, I'm not good enough. I just... really wish I was, you know? And I'm left hanging where she left me. Because I'm a puppy and I'll always be hers. 

I wish I could just call her up, tell her she's my everything. That I love her more than everything, and I'm sorry. That if she only said she'd be mine, I'd give up this trans* thing forever. If she'd only accept me and her own sexuality, I'd even call myself a girl for her. I'd be someone I'm not, for her. I'd do everything, for her.

But as the story goes, she wont. Can't, she says. I wonder if it will go on like this forever. I wonder if at some point she'll look at me and say she's sorry. Say I'm the only one for her. That we could run away and start a-new.

I wonder - in vain. I know how the story ends. She made that clear to me. Painfully clear. It's no use... But I can't move on.. I wont.. Wont move on..