That's what you get when you let your heart win

Det var en fejl. At se ham de to gange i December. Det var en stor fejltagelse. Jeg tænkte hey, det kan ikke gå så galt. Jeg tænkte jeg er forelsket i en anden, what the heck. Give it a shot.
Han var i Århus samme dag som jeg skrev.
Jeg gav ham nogle gaver.
To gange.
Den anden var ret latterlig. Et billede i en gul ramme. Et billede af vores skygger. Vi tog det i Vejle. Sidste sommer. Jeg kan huske den dag. Ikke om det var den første eller sidste gang vi så hinanden i Vejle, men jeg kan huske den tydeligt. Heh.

Jeg gik i panik den tredje gang vi skulle ses. Skrev ikke til ham. Ignorede ham. Jeg havde haft et panik anfald aftenen inden. Jeg turde ikke sige noget til ham. Han skrev heller aldrig. Det endte med at jeg gik rundt i byen alene. Gik de steder vi ville have gået, sad de steder vi ville have siddet. Jeg tror det regnede lidt. Latterligt, tænkte jeg.

I sidste ende er det jo det man kan regne med. Når man er ustabil. Når man har store, tydelige fejl. At folk forandrer sig. At de forelsker sig i andre. Og det er okay. Jeg er ikke sur. Jeg er glad for at han har fundet en han føler han kan stole på og forholde sig til. En som er det jeg ikke er. Det er fint.

Et sted gør det bare ondt. Men jeg må bare bide i det sure æble og trække på skuldrene. Være voksen. Sige den rigtige kommer nok forbi på et tidspunkt.
Måske skulle jeg holde mig fra forhold. Men på den anden side, jeg kan ikke fungere uden kærlighed. Jeg er som et hungrende dyr, søger mod det. Lige meget om det viser sig at være farligt. Nemt. Trættende.

Jeg er dum, jeg ved det.
Jeg er desperat.
Jeg ved det.

Men hvad kan jeg gøre, jeg har prøvet at ændre mig.
I did, really try.

Men måske er det bare på tide at finde en der kan acceptere de fejl. I stedet for at prøve at ændre dem, når de er så indgroet en del af mig som de er.
Måske er det på tide at lade være med at jagte ham. At lade være med at tjekke al hans aktivitet på nettet. Lade han være.
Men på den anden side har jeg jo prøvet det. Flere gange og jeg ender altid det samme sted.

Men ak, 2011 er gået og til Januar starter han et nyt liv uden mig. Med hende.
Og det er fint.
Det er jeg glad for.

Måske kan han endelig få den kærlighed tilbage som han fortjener.

Holiday season

Thinking back upon your life and reflecting upon your choices, is somehow the most troubling thing at all. There's times when you just wish you could go back and change something, anything, to make the outcome better, knowing what you know now. But then again, would you be the same person? If things didn't happen for a reason, and if they didn't happen to shape you, then why did they happen?

Some people say things happen for a reason, and I believe it does.

I'm not a great person. I have and I continue to do horrible things. I flirt with everyone. I play with peoples feelings. I stop talking to them when they bore or annoy me. I take up talking to them whenever I feel like it.

I have flaws, countless of flaws and I'm well aware. But not enough to do something about them. They're there, and they're a part of me. They shape me and make me who I am. Admittedly, that is not the right way to look at things, as your flaws should be something you strive to smoothen out.

But I don't care anymore.

---

I keep hearing things. Reading things. People tell me things.
It bothers me, and it makes me wonder. Should I really just ignore all these flaws or should I do something about it? So maybe I could be the person to make them happy. Make him happy. Make her happy.
Alas, I know I can't. There's simply too much. And I know people who will smile at me and say that no fault is bigger than it can be fixed.
But you're wrong.
I'm too big an idiot to do right.
I'm too much of a failure to be a good person.
I can't make them happy.
I gave up trying.
Maybe that's the issue here, maybe I give up too easily.
But when the world is against you for six long years, what do you suspect from someone? That they miraculously live up and say 'hey, I'm alright'? 'I'll make it?' 'I've got the will to carry on?'
Do you expect them to crawl up from their hole of self pity to take on the responsibility of their own miserable life?
Do you?
No.
They can't do that.
They're weak people, the weakest.
I'm weak.

tired and uninspired

I've been so tired lately. Not only physically, but mentally. Mostly mentally. My body is getting used to work 40 hours a week and it's honestly not that bad. It takes my mind off all the things I don't want to think about. It's great, working till you're so tired you can't even think anymore. But then again, there's nights where I'm not worn out. There's nights where I can't help but think. Where all the thoughts I hide away during the day creeps up on me and makes me feel empty. Do I really have a good life? Sometimes I wonder. Yes I'm alive and yes I have a job, I get paid decent money and I have friends (though I rarely see them), but isn't there supposed to be more to life?
When I'm with my friends I have a good time. But I constantly look at them and think 'what if I could kiss them? what if they were mine and I could hold them and kiss them all I want to?' It's weird. I'm starting to do this with almost everyone. Am I that desperate to love and be loved in return?

I'm not well. I'm not comfortable. I'm starting to doubt who I am. I don't fit a label and it freaks me out. I'm supposed to fit in somewhere right? But I can't figure it out.

I don't think I'm a boy anymore. Well, I see myself as a boy rather than a girl, but really is this what I am? I love hearing people call me a he. Say I'm a man. It makes me smile and it gives me hope. But then again, I don't really mind when people call me a she. It doesn't bother me that much. I love jewellery. I love cute necklaces and I love rings. I love shoes and I love fashion. Heck, I love wearing stilettos.
But I can't love all that and still expect to be addressed a he. I can't. People aren't that understanding, maybe on the internet, but not in the real world.
Even my friends wont accept me. They call me a she constantly. Excuses themselves and says oops sorry, but then does it again. It hurts. I know I'm feminine, I like that actually, but if I tell you I want to be addressed as a boy, why don't you accept it? I might be in doubt but for now I would expect you to address me as I prefer. But all you do is hurting me.

I guess that's how society is today.

If you don't fit into the label, you're an outcast. It doesn't really matter, it just. I don't know. It's weird.

I keep hearing things I don't want to hear. I keep letting it get to me. Her, him. What they do, how they are, who they flirt with.
I know she just got a new girlfriend. It doesn't bother me too much as that it's someone I know. It doesn't bother me it's a girl. What bothers me is that she's such a hypocrite. How can she tell me that she loves me, but can never be with me because I'm a girl, and then a month later get involved with and have lesbian sex with someone else? That's just... I don't even know anymore. It's so weird. It keeps me thinking, hey, what is wrong with me? Was I never really good enough? I realise I'm out of the norm for you, but seriously. You could at least have told me the truth from the start instead of keeping me tricked like that. 'Sorry, you're just not my type.' That's easy. It would hurt, yes, but it would hurt less than this. This is just stupid on so many levels. Well, I just hope you're happy with that choice. I hope you'll be happy with her, at least she's a really nice person!

He's flirting with everyone. A shameless flirt I guess. Same goes for me, still I feel like I'm being replaced. I don't know, it's like he barely talks to me and when he does it's all about who he flirted with at the party last night and who he almost banged. I don't, not to be rude, but I don't really care. I just, I find it hurtful. I ran off the first time he did it. I couldn't bear it. It really hurt. I realise I'm on the other side of the country and I realise I'm kind of a dork when it comes to being intimate, but come on. That, it isn't really fair to say you've got something with me and then go around flirting with someone else is it? Or am I just old fashioned?

Maybe I'm pulling some kind of revenge on him. Or maybe I'm falling out of love with him. Maybe it was just a small crush in the end. I don't know. But I found this really cute girl. She's fun, sweet and caring, even though we just talked for a few hours total. I realise she's crushing on someone else, but I'm shamelessly flirting with her. All the time. I like it, she makes me smile and blush. Maybe I'm starting to crush on her. I dont know. She lives in Germany. Close to the border, so it wouldn't be too much visiting her. She invited me to a homestuck meet there, it lasts a couple of days and it's in Frankfurt.
I'm considering it, seriously.

She even invited me to go to America with her when she's out of school. She even said we could get an apartment and start a life there. Together. It made me really happy, but I don't know if she was joking or what. She would be the kind to joke about serious matters like that, but I really like her and I would really like to escape everything here and just go to America with her. Next year I'll start saving up, even.

Maybe that's what I need to do. Escape to somewhere with a stranger and live a new life. I have lots of friends in America, I guess I could do it.

But then again, I just feel like everything is so complicated.

the edge

For the second or third time. It happened again. Or really, who's counting? Maybe it's been more. But this time it's final, I'm sure.
Dont write to me anymore, she said. Of course I respect that. I just wonder. Do I really mean that little to her? That she can just without warning tell me to piss the fuck off? I guess, in the end I wasn't more than a shoulder to cry on. Things seperated us, and while I was still in love with her she moved on. I mean come on! In the start of November she was all over me! And now what? Now she apparently has someone else and she doesn't love me anymore. It's weird. How people can forget things that fast. We used to be so close. We used to be just like twins. And now we're not together, not even as friends.

It's a shame.

It's a shame she can't make up her mind and it's a shame I can't be her friend. I'm not enough for her and in the end I never were. She kissed me and told me I was the only one for her, she promised me we should build a future together and someday we would live happily ever after.
Where did those dreams go? Did you bury them along with the person I used to know in you?
You're not the same, that much is clear. You're egoistic, ignorant, disrespectful and cold. You've grown to be so distant.
I want nothing but the best for you, so of course, I accept that you want me gone.
Everybody else wants me gone too.
I'm a burden to everyone. I pester them.
Bring them down.
I know all that. I know all what you can tell me I am. I know.
Don't you think it bothers me? Don't you think I wish I could be someone else? Be the idol everyone makes me out to be? The perfect human being? Don't you think I wish for that? Yearn for?

In the end, you're happy with whoever you're with now.
Things are okay for you.
I'm happy for that.

You're happy and I'm going to disappear for good.
In the end, this is the best solution.
For everyone.