tired and uninspired

I've been so tired lately. Not only physically, but mentally. Mostly mentally. My body is getting used to work 40 hours a week and it's honestly not that bad. It takes my mind off all the things I don't want to think about. It's great, working till you're so tired you can't even think anymore. But then again, there's nights where I'm not worn out. There's nights where I can't help but think. Where all the thoughts I hide away during the day creeps up on me and makes me feel empty. Do I really have a good life? Sometimes I wonder. Yes I'm alive and yes I have a job, I get paid decent money and I have friends (though I rarely see them), but isn't there supposed to be more to life?
When I'm with my friends I have a good time. But I constantly look at them and think 'what if I could kiss them? what if they were mine and I could hold them and kiss them all I want to?' It's weird. I'm starting to do this with almost everyone. Am I that desperate to love and be loved in return?

I'm not well. I'm not comfortable. I'm starting to doubt who I am. I don't fit a label and it freaks me out. I'm supposed to fit in somewhere right? But I can't figure it out.

I don't think I'm a boy anymore. Well, I see myself as a boy rather than a girl, but really is this what I am? I love hearing people call me a he. Say I'm a man. It makes me smile and it gives me hope. But then again, I don't really mind when people call me a she. It doesn't bother me that much. I love jewellery. I love cute necklaces and I love rings. I love shoes and I love fashion. Heck, I love wearing stilettos.
But I can't love all that and still expect to be addressed a he. I can't. People aren't that understanding, maybe on the internet, but not in the real world.
Even my friends wont accept me. They call me a she constantly. Excuses themselves and says oops sorry, but then does it again. It hurts. I know I'm feminine, I like that actually, but if I tell you I want to be addressed as a boy, why don't you accept it? I might be in doubt but for now I would expect you to address me as I prefer. But all you do is hurting me.

I guess that's how society is today.

If you don't fit into the label, you're an outcast. It doesn't really matter, it just. I don't know. It's weird.

I keep hearing things I don't want to hear. I keep letting it get to me. Her, him. What they do, how they are, who they flirt with.
I know she just got a new girlfriend. It doesn't bother me too much as that it's someone I know. It doesn't bother me it's a girl. What bothers me is that she's such a hypocrite. How can she tell me that she loves me, but can never be with me because I'm a girl, and then a month later get involved with and have lesbian sex with someone else? That's just... I don't even know anymore. It's so weird. It keeps me thinking, hey, what is wrong with me? Was I never really good enough? I realise I'm out of the norm for you, but seriously. You could at least have told me the truth from the start instead of keeping me tricked like that. 'Sorry, you're just not my type.' That's easy. It would hurt, yes, but it would hurt less than this. This is just stupid on so many levels. Well, I just hope you're happy with that choice. I hope you'll be happy with her, at least she's a really nice person!

He's flirting with everyone. A shameless flirt I guess. Same goes for me, still I feel like I'm being replaced. I don't know, it's like he barely talks to me and when he does it's all about who he flirted with at the party last night and who he almost banged. I don't, not to be rude, but I don't really care. I just, I find it hurtful. I ran off the first time he did it. I couldn't bear it. It really hurt. I realise I'm on the other side of the country and I realise I'm kind of a dork when it comes to being intimate, but come on. That, it isn't really fair to say you've got something with me and then go around flirting with someone else is it? Or am I just old fashioned?

Maybe I'm pulling some kind of revenge on him. Or maybe I'm falling out of love with him. Maybe it was just a small crush in the end. I don't know. But I found this really cute girl. She's fun, sweet and caring, even though we just talked for a few hours total. I realise she's crushing on someone else, but I'm shamelessly flirting with her. All the time. I like it, she makes me smile and blush. Maybe I'm starting to crush on her. I dont know. She lives in Germany. Close to the border, so it wouldn't be too much visiting her. She invited me to a homestuck meet there, it lasts a couple of days and it's in Frankfurt.
I'm considering it, seriously.

She even invited me to go to America with her when she's out of school. She even said we could get an apartment and start a life there. Together. It made me really happy, but I don't know if she was joking or what. She would be the kind to joke about serious matters like that, but I really like her and I would really like to escape everything here and just go to America with her. Next year I'll start saving up, even.

Maybe that's what I need to do. Escape to somewhere with a stranger and live a new life. I have lots of friends in America, I guess I could do it.

But then again, I just feel like everything is so complicated.