be brave, be strong

I just want to sit in my room and cry

hang my head in shame 

and die

I keep telling people when they're down, that it gets better. You'll be happy, you'll be lucky. You're worth so much and you're loved. But when it comes to myself I just don't believe it. It's bullshit. When you've hit rock bottom, nothing gets better. You're stuck. And if you can't get out of the hole you're buried in, well good luck with life.

Ugh, I just. I keep getting this feeling, like every decision I make - it's the wrong one. I can't figure it out. I constantly make the same mistake.

I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of feelings.

I'm sick of being lonely.

I'm sick of being miserable, vague and idiotic.

I'm sick of being all the things that makes me, me.

I want to disappear.

I haven't had this great a wish for anything before. I really just want to disappear. End all this pain and misery. Get away from everyone and everything.

Die? I guess not. I wouldn't be able to kill myself. No matter how hard I tried. I know. But if I could take a pill of some sort. No pain, instant death.

I would.

I can't be strong no more. I was never that strong. I pretended, and I'm too weak now to pretend any longer..

the war within

More than ever I'm seriously considering seeing a psychiatrist of some kind. Not only on my gender issues, but also on my split personality that I've been experiencing, lately more often than not. It's sort of a delicate thing to explain and talk about- and I have trouble putting it into words.

It's like I have this, split mind. One half of it is always positive about everything and the other is skeptical and negative. They're at war- constantly. Or at least regarding bigger decisions and whatnot. They're shouting at each other, one talking for something, the other against it. The pessimistic and the optimistic? The pessimistic almost always wins. And when the other does, the negative mind always finds a way to make me do things I regret. Like telling my crush things wont work without even having tried it. Like telling your ex you want him back and then pushing him away the next day.

It's because of this war that's in my mind that I keep messing up. I keep doing something and regretting it the next day.

It's not so much anymore, but earlier this year and some years before, I had these 'blackouts' where I couldn't remember what I had said or done maybe six hours at a time. I remember my boyfriend at some point telling me I had furiously broken up with him several times and the next day been all lovey-dovey and not remembering a thing. It's scary. Earlier this year I had this where I was in school for six hours or so, and the time from when I got home and till I went to bed was completely erased from my memory. We had this sort of 'what did I do yesterday' round going on at my school at the time, and when I was my turn I could never remember a thing. It puzzled me at the time, but I passed it off as 'I was probably tired and went to sleep or something', but it continued happening. I could recall every single assignment of the school day, but nothing from my spare time.

As I said I haven't been experiencing that thing for a while, but I'm afraid it will come back. I have been at war with myself for too long. It needs to be stopped, I'm just afraid that it's me. That there's no disorder, no illness, that it's just me that's fucked up beyond repair.

I'm afraid.

I fucked it up with my ex a lot of times, and he gave me so much chances, but isn't it really time to move on? But on the other hand I already fucked things up with the new guy as well, haha. I broke it off before it even started. Which is weird, because I'm usually really open about such and I'm ready to take on a challenge.
Or am I?
Aren't I really just too scared to try something new? That's why I keep moving back to the safe road that's my ex, isn't it?
I wish he would just have pulled me aside last week and said what I wished I had said back when I acted fucked up in front of him. 'I don't care if you're weird, or messed up. I don't care if you have a disorder or if you're just an idiot. I want to make this work, because I've fallen in love with you.'
But he didn't.

Of course he didn't..

you have got to stop these things

Fuck it, everything. Why are you doing this to me? Is it some kind of revenge? Some silly game you hide behind? I don't know why I even bother. I should've forgotten about you when we broke up. It's been a year or so. But I'm still there, stuck where you left me. I tried to pick up the pieces, but ended up spreading them further. I just don't know how to handle the situation. I don't know what to do. It's lame. And now I've hurt someone else because I'm still hopelessly in love with you. I thought I could move on like you did. I tried, and I failed. Now there's two broken hearts. Why am I doing this. I should just quit it all. I gave up on love when we parted, and things still haven't changed. I know you wont pick me again and why would you? I fucked it all up. Everything. There's nothing changed about me. I'm still the same bastard I was thirteen months ago.

It's so weird, haha. I keep stalking you. Your facebook, your blogs. I keep reading them over and over, I keep being annoyed and sad and angry because of the things you write. I keep letting you provoke me, even though I'm sure you don't care about me in the end.

It was too much for me seeing you at Jpop. I think I caught your eye once. I tried to smile, I tried to be happy for you, but in the end, I think I couldn't manage. It hurt so much to see you laughing with all your friends. Surrounded by love. You've even got a new girlfriend now. And I'm just here, in the same place as your other ex, being bitter that she ain't me. I hung out with your ex at Jpop, did you notice? She's nice and all, I see why you would fall for her. But each time you were around, she started saying things like 'Oh my god, the idiot is around again' and 'someone I don't want to see is coming this way', and after some time I caught myself thinking 'I'm hopelessly in love with him too, why don't you just shut the fuck up and bite your tongue?'. Each time she looked away, I desperately tried to make you out in the crowd. Sighing each time, it was annoying.
I couldn't even think of anything else. Well, only one other person. I was hoping so much it would work out, but in the end you were right. It didn't. It was just a flirt that could never evolve. Perhaps it's because of my state of mind? Well, not only. Partially, it is, I know.

I'm a miserable, lonely little bastard and I'm desperate for love. But nothing works out and it annoys me. It makes me depressed and suicidal. I just want to disappear. Even just for a while, yea? I just want to float in nothingness and be no one. Nothing.

Right now I'm just an empty shell. Work fills out my day and when I get home in the evening I don't really have more energy to be sad. I'm just sitting there, in front of my computer and sigh in despair. I just want something to work out for once. I just want someone near me to hold me. Something that will work in the long run..

i want to be fixed

Lately, when I've looked in the mirror I see much more an ugly girl trying so desperately to find herself, than the boy I think I am. Lately it's been so much, that I've come to doubt myself. Am I really a boy?
Sometimes I feel like I just want to be nothing. I want to float in between the norm and I want to be nothing. I don't want to be a boy. I don't want to be a girl.
I just want my name changed and my breasts gone.

Maybe it's because people ignore the fact that I want to be addressed as a boy. Maybe it's the simple fact that people throughout the weekend have continuously called me a girl and called me she and so on. Each time I've just let it pass like 'oh it's ok' and 'haha, it doesn't matter'. But truth is, it hurts so much. I don't want to be a girl, but I don't really want to be a boy that much either. But if it's this hard making people call me a he, how hard wont it be making them call me an it?

Meanwhile I can't think anymore. I just, it feels like I'm supposed to never be happy. Because, I am never. I keep saying to people, it gets better! and I keep smiling and I try to look at the positive side of life. I get up in the morning and I try to make it through a day without frowning, but sometimes it's just hard. It's hard to keep on smiling when nothing works and you're a lonely little bastard. And have been for years.
I gave up with love long ago. Or at least I told myself I did. Then he came along and I thought, hey, maybe I should give this a chance again. It went alright, haha, until we met. I don't really know what went wrong but I guess.. There was just nothing. He was too far away. Mentally I guess.
And it's tough.

It's tough watching your ex's move on and get new partners, while you're still stuck in square one.
It's tough looking at the one you thought you were going to start your future with and know that it just wont work out.
It's tough to realise that you can't reach his level and you can't even go back
It's tough knowing you're sending yourself right back to where you started.

I dont know what to do anymore.. I don't know how I will handle tomorrow.
I'm off work tomorrow.. I just.. I don't know how.. I think I'll break down.. but I dont want to! I want to be strong and make my way through this.. but the truth is.. I'm not strong.. and I'm sick of pretending that I am.. I'm fragile and I just need someone, anyone, to be my knight I guess?....

beat

It's like forgetting the words to your favourite song

You can't believe it, you were always singing along

You spend half of your life trying to fall behind

You're using your headphones to drown your mind

~ Eet - Regina Spektor ~

"Dance, dance, dance along. Even when you've forgot the beat."

I can't feel the beat. I can't figure anything out. I'm scared of tomorrow. I'm scared of today.

I can't see what comes next and it scares me so much I can't think. I don't have any escape. I'm trapped.

It's hard to see them move on, and find yourself in the same spot. It's hard looking at the one you thought you were going to start a new life with, and just know that it wont work. 

I don't feel like going anywhere today. I'm sick and I'm tired and I nearly can't speak. But I have to go. I have to have something to do today or I will break down. I need something in my life, and right now I guess work fills out the emptiness. For now..

the art of letting go

It's truly difficult. I have said goodbye to many things throughout my life, but nothing has ever been this tough on me. I'm doubting everything. I can't accept the fact that the choice you made was not me. I can't accept the fact that I let you go. That I told you to go. I can't for the life of the figure out why this ended like it did. It bothers me. To endless extents. I don't want to be the vague minded, but I guess I am. Or maybe I just can't make up my mind. Heck, everybody knows I can't make up my mind.

On one hand I really don't want to hurt him. Some days I feel like, what we have going on right now is the best thing ever, but on other days I just feel like I should've said no from the beginning. Sat my foot down, stayed with him. I guess there's more of those days, than the good. I don't know. I'm so unstable right now. I can't do it, I keep thinking. I can't have a relationship with him because I'm stupid and I'm an emotional wreck and I can't figure out what is the best to do. Some days I hope he will be so disappointed when he meets me that he will stop talking to me. Some days I hope everything will be fine and we will be able to talk for hours on end.

In between those

I just

want to disappear.

I saw a post on tumblr some days ago. 'If there was a pill that could kill you instantly, with no pain, would you take it?'
It triggered it all. All the suicidal thoughts that had been lurking in the back of my head for months. All the depression I had stuffed away in the back of my mind, all the sad and the sorrow I had tried to hide. The dysphoria, the insecurity, the pain. It welled up in me and I felt terrible. I can't remember exactly how long, but I remember crying my eyes out. Silently. Till they were all red and puffy. They were hurting. My throat was dry. I remember just sitting there, by my desk, bawling for who knows how long.

The truth is

if I was brave enough

I would do it.

I hate living, I despise it. There's so much trouble and I'm too fragile. My mind is a wreck. I can't think. I can't love. I can't live.
I'm not living.
I'm breathing, and I wake up in the morning, but I'm not living. I talk to people but they don't see me and I don't see them. They're just silhouettes and I'm just a shell of what once was a human being.
I'm so fucked up.
I hate myself.

I know this wont work. It's not that I have set my mind for it to not work, I just know it wont. I'm not brave enough. I can't do this. I can't. Not right now. I'm.. I just can't right now.

I know he's reading this. And I somehow hope he will realise what he has gotten himself into. What a terrible mess. And I hope, somehow, that he will stop this... somewhere... even if there's something screaming at me to not feel that way.. I.. feel like.. this should end.. soon..

Fucking fucked up shit..