i want to be fixed

Lately, when I've looked in the mirror I see much more an ugly girl trying so desperately to find herself, than the boy I think I am. Lately it's been so much, that I've come to doubt myself. Am I really a boy?
Sometimes I feel like I just want to be nothing. I want to float in between the norm and I want to be nothing. I don't want to be a boy. I don't want to be a girl.
I just want my name changed and my breasts gone.

Maybe it's because people ignore the fact that I want to be addressed as a boy. Maybe it's the simple fact that people throughout the weekend have continuously called me a girl and called me she and so on. Each time I've just let it pass like 'oh it's ok' and 'haha, it doesn't matter'. But truth is, it hurts so much. I don't want to be a girl, but I don't really want to be a boy that much either. But if it's this hard making people call me a he, how hard wont it be making them call me an it?

Meanwhile I can't think anymore. I just, it feels like I'm supposed to never be happy. Because, I am never. I keep saying to people, it gets better! and I keep smiling and I try to look at the positive side of life. I get up in the morning and I try to make it through a day without frowning, but sometimes it's just hard. It's hard to keep on smiling when nothing works and you're a lonely little bastard. And have been for years.
I gave up with love long ago. Or at least I told myself I did. Then he came along and I thought, hey, maybe I should give this a chance again. It went alright, haha, until we met. I don't really know what went wrong but I guess.. There was just nothing. He was too far away. Mentally I guess.
And it's tough.

It's tough watching your ex's move on and get new partners, while you're still stuck in square one.
It's tough looking at the one you thought you were going to start your future with and know that it just wont work out.
It's tough to realise that you can't reach his level and you can't even go back
It's tough knowing you're sending yourself right back to where you started.

I dont know what to do anymore.. I don't know how I will handle tomorrow.
I'm off work tomorrow.. I just.. I don't know how.. I think I'll break down.. but I dont want to! I want to be strong and make my way through this.. but the truth is.. I'm not strong.. and I'm sick of pretending that I am.. I'm fragile and I just need someone, anyone, to be my knight I guess?....