May 12th

It's been exhausting. The weekend, I mean. Robin convinced my to go back to herning with him, to svs. And it was mighty fun, I've missed a lot of people and they were all happy to see me there after all. Punk especially. I don't really understand why she thinks so nicely off me, but I'm happy. She's one of my best friends. Sarah, Em, shin, Bianca, Bonita, they were all happy to see me. Anine too. It was great. It's been a while. I was at work as usual Saturday and afterwards robin was supposed to come to Aarhus and entertain me for a while. He did, but not after long he asked me to go back with him, and so I did. I love driving with him, it's soothing a d reassuring somehow. Cozy. I don't know how to describe it, but it's just really nice. Anyway I got our rings Friday or something and asked him if he wanted to have it Saturday or the 5th. The 5th is our two year anniversary so that's a little special. But we decided to just use them and say we got engaged 5th June. Haha. I want to tell my mother. But I'm just afraid she'll throw me out. Or perhaps it's a good time now, since my dad is in the hospital and not coming home for a while. If she gets too upset maybe I should just explain how he affects my depression positively, like he keeps me from suicide. That'd do it. She can't be alone lately. But I'm nervous. Oh well, at least I can move out if it's necessary. I have somewhere to go. I can live with robin and maybe start hf on vuc in viborg. Maybe. If everything goes well I won't have to move just yet.

Memories

I miss the cold December nights, when we would lay cuddled up in your bed, hands eagerly exploring every part of each others bodies. Fingers gracing skin, lips colliding in heated kisses. I miss falling asleep in your arms, I miss listening to your heartbeat, I miss the intimacy we used to have. I miss having someone on top of me, I miss the passionate kisses, the touches, the curiosity, I miss the warmth spreading through my body, I miss the ecstasy, the thrill of the moment. I miss the butterflies and I miss the muffled moans. I miss the intimacy.

And there was sorrow

Suddenly the thoughts starts crawling back, you start thinking things you don't want to, things you've been hiding far away in the farthest corner of your mind.

It's been quiet lately. No war, no fights. Just an endless stream of thoughts. Neutral. Nothing for and nothing against. It's been almost pleasant. But I've waited. Patiently, because it always comes back.

There's nothing positive. It's all screaming. 'Stop it', it yells. 'You're too weak and you can't do this'. 'You're gonna hurt them, hurt him, disappoint everyone.' 'It's just a matter of time before you break'.

It scares me.

Because it's right. I know this. I'm gonna back out eventually. I've cancelled the order of the rings. I've cancelled SVS. I'm sure I'll also back out the next time he asks to see me.

It scares me, my mind is so fragile. Any tiny detail and the wall crumbles.

I can't do this.

I can't do anything.

I can't do him justice.

I can't stay.