Mistakes

People talk about me. A lot lately. I hate it. I hate their judgmental stares, the hate in their eyes. The blame. And the guilt comes back. The thoughts of not being good enough, the self hate, the nausea. I lose my appetite, I lose my motivation. People are cruel now a days. Ive been visiting robin because he was really down, so I figured I should do something. So I came up here. One of first things we took some silly pictures together. He posted some on tumblr and one of them got the comment 'there's something gross beside you', referring to me. Ouch. It was from a person we both know that hate me, but still ouch. Although it does not come as a surprise. I'm sure he's got a lot of questions about me waiting for him when he logs in again. God. Sometimes I wish people would just shut up. Like I know I've made mistakes, but havent they? All I do lately is defend myself and my choices, mostly to anons on a stupid social network. I shouldn't have to do that! I shouldn't have to justify a single thing to then! So why do I feel the need to prove my point? I think I need to go home early. I think I need to sleep more, cuddle the dog, ignore the world. Just for another day. Ugh. All this drama makes me feel sick. Like I literally get nauseous when things like this happen. And that really is too much because I'm sick with a cold right now. It's all too much, too much... I feel worthless. Like nothing I ever do is good enough and I'm so tired. I'm so tired of not being able to make the right choices, I'm sick of being paranoid and feel disgusted with myself. I'm done. I know where I stand. Problem is I can't communicate that out to anyone. No one seems to be able to read my mind. What did I expect? I can't do anything right anyway. God I feel so ridiculously stupid. For hurting anyone. For hurting myself. Sometimes I think things were easier back in the day. Where I didn't have to deal with all these thoughts. I mean, I've been depressed since god knows when, but with all the robin drama it's been ten fold. Hate is a daily thing, harassment too. Things are much worse than they used to be, and I don't do anything about it. Why? I don't know. I love him I guess. I don't want to deal with anything because I just want to love him. And people won't let me. They have so many opinions on everything that they don't see what it does to people like me. When robin got all that hate on tumblr that was directed at me, I was sick with myself for days. I think I took it cooly? But regardless I was totally out of it. Hate doesn't get to me much normally but I don't know. It hurt so much. I couldn't take it. I wanted to protect him (and myself) so I did the only thing I could and knew how, broke up. Broke an engagement. Broke a heart. Broke my own in the fall. Things have been much worse since. Mentally it's only gone downhill. I don't know what to do of myself. I don't have anything to get up to any more, as I quit the school I was at. Couldn't do it. Didn't lie. I'm alone day in an day out. I should get help. Talk to my doctor. But I don't want to, what can she do? Advise me a psyciatrist, which is too expensive. Hand me pills that makes me fatter and more depressed. Can't do it. I won't do it. I think I'll go home soon. Take the bus at 9.05. I need to sleep. I have to leave this place before I become too attached. I love being here so so much, I love the sights, the sounds, even the cat when it wakes me up at 6 am....... When people talk, I start to wonder. If its really thr right thing. I mean no where near perfect, but somehow no matter what I do it ends up here. Lying with him in a bed with a way too small blanket and a way too cold room. Animals scratching cages. Something biting my toes....... Where was I?.... His brother said something the other day. That robin was about to make a big mistake. Me. I should just spare him. Get a grip and get going for real. But it's so difficult. Because I love him and he loves me, but things are so rough. I can't handle it at all. I'm tired. Tired of fighting, tired of proving myself, tired of people not respecting out choices. I'm not sure I can do it. But right now there's no obligation. No prizefight. No nothing. It's just the two of us and a world that doesn't quite understand. Then again a wise person once said that nothing worth having comes easy, that you have to fight for what you really want and need. Maybe this is what he meant? Someone having too much trouble with themselves to take proper care of who they love? I don't know what to do. I want to protect him. But I also just.. Want him. The security, everything. All of it. I just want to feel like this is right. Not just knowing what i got to do, but feeling it as well. It's crucial. Have the heart in it too. I hope things will clear up. For myself. But also for him.

Ten days, ten nights

I can't deny it, I miss him. I knew I would. But I wont do anything any longer. I'm sorry. I'm so terribly sorry. But I can't do anything. I love you oh so much, but I can't do anything. I'm sorry...

Ten days it's been since the last time I wrote here. I mean everything, it still stands. But I'm so weak right now. So fragile. He's got what, like ten people ready to be with him, and I got none
no one
because I fucked up
put my life on parade and let people figure out how much a douche I am. It hurts. But it's alright. It's for the greater good, right? Yea it is. I love him, but I'll let him go. Maybe forever. Maybe just for now. Although, I'm pretty sure it's for good this time. Because hey, he gave up. I get that. I understand. I wouldn't want to wait either. Not this time. Too many chances. Too much wasted time.

Sigh.

Looking back, two years ago I was a completely different person. Last year in june, I was at this very state. Because of her. And here I am again, because of someone else, someone I thought I could always count on and rely on. I guess time really does have a way of changing things. People, anything. But it's alright. Some people come into your life for a reason, others just for a season. And even if he was just there for a while in the end, I'll be grateful for that. Because I love him with all I have in me. In the end of the day it was always him, wasn't it? Back in june last year it was him as well. I was devastated because I thought she was better for me, but it turned out she was just as bad. I was sad because I then had no one. No second choice no nothing. And here I am again. I just wish things would turn out better. For once. I just want things to work out. Back to when we were happy. Back to that day in the Japanese Gardens. Our nervous laughs, our silent walks. Back to the silent nights and even the tears in my eyes when we broke up the first time. We've been through so much, he and I.

 It's a shame it's over so soon.

I wish it didn't have to be like this ...

I don't for a second believe you

But I guess I should.
Accept my fate, lay in the bed that I've made.
The least I could do was clean up the mess. Be straight with you.

The easiest way is always to lie. I don't know anything else. As I've done so many times before I lied and said there's no hope. We both know that's not true.

I'm depressed. Unstable. Worn out.

Cause and effect of something I've done myself.

It doesn't matter now.
I'm gonna carry on. Get myself out of this depression. Win my battles. Get help.
And who knows. Maybe when all of this is over, maybe I'll bump into you again.
Maybe on purpose. Maybe by accident.
And if you happen to be as lonely as me, and have at least one good memory of me in your heart, maybe, and I pray to god, maybe things will be alright again.

We both know I function even worse without you there. These months, years, will be a hell for me.
But what can you do.
I have to
accept it.

Because with every harsh word, every insult, there's only love. I don't mean it, as I'm sure you know. I don't mean it. I never meant it. My heart says it's sorry, but actions speak louder than words and I just don't know how to show you that I love you more than anything.

I just don't know.

And that's why I do this. I try to protect you. From the mess that I am. And if you've given up this time, that's fine. But I'll keep fighting, that one day things will be fine. It may take years.

But I wont give up.

I hope you know that.