Mistakes

People talk about me. A lot lately. I hate it. I hate their judgmental stares, the hate in their eyes. The blame. And the guilt comes back. The thoughts of not being good enough, the self hate, the nausea. I lose my appetite, I lose my motivation. People are cruel now a days. Ive been visiting robin because he was really down, so I figured I should do something. So I came up here. One of first things we took some silly pictures together. He posted some on tumblr and one of them got the comment 'there's something gross beside you', referring to me. Ouch. It was from a person we both know that hate me, but still ouch. Although it does not come as a surprise. I'm sure he's got a lot of questions about me waiting for him when he logs in again. God. Sometimes I wish people would just shut up. Like I know I've made mistakes, but havent they? All I do lately is defend myself and my choices, mostly to anons on a stupid social network. I shouldn't have to do that! I shouldn't have to justify a single thing to then! So why do I feel the need to prove my point? I think I need to go home early. I think I need to sleep more, cuddle the dog, ignore the world. Just for another day. Ugh. All this drama makes me feel sick. Like I literally get nauseous when things like this happen. And that really is too much because I'm sick with a cold right now. It's all too much, too much... I feel worthless. Like nothing I ever do is good enough and I'm so tired. I'm so tired of not being able to make the right choices, I'm sick of being paranoid and feel disgusted with myself. I'm done. I know where I stand. Problem is I can't communicate that out to anyone. No one seems to be able to read my mind. What did I expect? I can't do anything right anyway. God I feel so ridiculously stupid. For hurting anyone. For hurting myself. Sometimes I think things were easier back in the day. Where I didn't have to deal with all these thoughts. I mean, I've been depressed since god knows when, but with all the robin drama it's been ten fold. Hate is a daily thing, harassment too. Things are much worse than they used to be, and I don't do anything about it. Why? I don't know. I love him I guess. I don't want to deal with anything because I just want to love him. And people won't let me. They have so many opinions on everything that they don't see what it does to people like me. When robin got all that hate on tumblr that was directed at me, I was sick with myself for days. I think I took it cooly? But regardless I was totally out of it. Hate doesn't get to me much normally but I don't know. It hurt so much. I couldn't take it. I wanted to protect him (and myself) so I did the only thing I could and knew how, broke up. Broke an engagement. Broke a heart. Broke my own in the fall. Things have been much worse since. Mentally it's only gone downhill. I don't know what to do of myself. I don't have anything to get up to any more, as I quit the school I was at. Couldn't do it. Didn't lie. I'm alone day in an day out. I should get help. Talk to my doctor. But I don't want to, what can she do? Advise me a psyciatrist, which is too expensive. Hand me pills that makes me fatter and more depressed. Can't do it. I won't do it. I think I'll go home soon. Take the bus at 9.05. I need to sleep. I have to leave this place before I become too attached. I love being here so so much, I love the sights, the sounds, even the cat when it wakes me up at 6 am....... When people talk, I start to wonder. If its really thr right thing. I mean no where near perfect, but somehow no matter what I do it ends up here. Lying with him in a bed with a way too small blanket and a way too cold room. Animals scratching cages. Something biting my toes....... Where was I?.... His brother said something the other day. That robin was about to make a big mistake. Me. I should just spare him. Get a grip and get going for real. But it's so difficult. Because I love him and he loves me, but things are so rough. I can't handle it at all. I'm tired. Tired of fighting, tired of proving myself, tired of people not respecting out choices. I'm not sure I can do it. But right now there's no obligation. No prizefight. No nothing. It's just the two of us and a world that doesn't quite understand. Then again a wise person once said that nothing worth having comes easy, that you have to fight for what you really want and need. Maybe this is what he meant? Someone having too much trouble with themselves to take proper care of who they love? I don't know what to do. I want to protect him. But I also just.. Want him. The security, everything. All of it. I just want to feel like this is right. Not just knowing what i got to do, but feeling it as well. It's crucial. Have the heart in it too. I hope things will clear up. For myself. But also for him.