Prisoner of hope ♥

Fresh out of your teens, growing right up

Don't know what it means, but you're in love

Feels like you're lost in a deep cloud, again

Time's only a game

Both of your hearts sing the refrain

You know you're a prisoner of hope

Teenage Heaven - Andrew Huang

---

I know I should probably be more upset about everything right now, since I have just lost two persons I love a lot and I have a lot of trouble with my family.

But it doesn't really bother me.

In fact, I'm feeling pretty good. I don't think about the darker aspects of my life anymore, and I can thank a special someone for that. It's a weird feeling, he's constantly in my thoughts and it makes me smile. I find myself daydreaming more often, sighing with a smile on my lips. I don't care about my family that much, there just there. I long for the day I'll be out of here, even though I know it wont be just yet. But I'm looking forward to it. It's in the horizon. I can barely make it out, but it's there. It's coming closer. Slowly, but steadily.

I can't say what the future will bring. If I'll eventually end up with him or if he'll get fed up with me faster than the others. We will see, but for now, I want to enjoy this feeling. I haven't truly felt like this for a long time. I guess, I've sort of avoided it. I've only been with people for the comfort, the safety I could feel with them. I've denied any possible feelings. 

I'm just here because I need someone, anyone. It's not like that anymore.

I could see myself with him, but still, I know life isn't that easy. I want things to be okay, I want everything to work out in the end to our favor, but I can't be sure it will. I lack a backbone. And sometimes, things are just too hard. I run away. Hide. I want to be a stronger person, I really do, but can I? Probably not.. Not yet at least.

I'll be there. Someday, but not today. Not tomorrow and probably not in the nearest future. But I'll make it. I will be happy and things will be well.

don't cry ♦

I wish I could be the one to tell you don't worry

But I can't be that man, just know that I'm sorry

Don't worry - Andrew

I'm currently feeling really weird.. I came home today after being with my best friend for the weekend and my mom greeted me. I sat with her talking on the porch for a few minutes and in those few minutes she managed to piss me off. I think I remained calm though..

She asked me "Are you a girl or a guy today?" So I responded, "I'm a guy, what a weird question to ask."

She looked at me with that disappointed look in her eyes and said, it's not weird, I gave birth to a girl. I remained silent, I hate discussing this and it usually doesn't end well anyway. So she proceeded to talk. "You're not getting an operation are you?" Of course I said, well, just my boobs. They're in the way and they make me unhappy. Everything else doesn't really matter to me.

That look again. "It's just a phase. Surgery is drastic."

I was so close to just shouting at her, telling her to shut up. I know what I am I wanted to tell her. I've always felt this way. I've always been awkward as a girl. I'm happy like this, and I know deep in my heart that happiness will come to me if I'm just satisfied with my appearance. You can't love anyone if you don't love yourself. I didn't tell her though. I couldn't talk. I just got up and left.

It's the first time we talked about surgery. I know she's against it, but if that what it takes to make me happy? I'm going for it. If the world ends in 2012, I want to at least have done this last thing for myself. I want to get this done. I made up my mind, and I'm going to save up for it.

It's been a really really messed up week

Seven days of torture, seven days of bitter

I don't know if I'll make it,

but watch how good I'll fake it

Tonight tonight - Hot Chelle Rae

I don't even know what to write, I just, feel like updating. I quit two of my best friends, two people I love too much to describe in words. I guess it's for the better for all of us, but it's still hard. I have to constantly keep myself in check not to cry. I'm not weak. I can get through this right? Of course! And so will they.

They'll make it, time will heal their wounds. 

She'll get better. She'll not feel suicidal anymore and she will find someone worth her time and effort. She will learn to trust and be respectful, not to judge. She's young, she's got time.

He'll get better as well. He'll get me out of this thoughts and he will find someone as well, worthy of his time and love and effort. He will find someone who will love him as much as I do and he will be happy. Time really does heal all wounds doesnt it? Yes and in this case as well.

All will be well, everything will be alright and everything will be well.

I hope I chose the right thing, but the lies and the contradictions got too much for me. I couldnt take it, the weird contradictions the weird statements. Well.

The choice has been made, though I feel like I was sorta forced jumping into it. I didn't want to make a decision yet, since I guess it's too early to tell if this will really evolve into anything.

But oh well, he likes me and I like him, so I hope we'll be doing good. I guess I really want this to work out because the last didn't. I miss someone with me, feeling loved. Aha, it's weird. I know I'm loved, by lots of people actually, but I never felt as loved as when I was with him. I just want to go back to that time, but I know it's over. I know that time is past and I can't change that, even if I want to. Sigh, it's sad isn't it?

But life goes on. He'll be happy and I will be happy and even if we never see each other again, I know that he will be in my thoughts.. for at least a long time onwards.

Well that's that.

bleeding ♦

It annoys me that I can't figure things out. I'm hopelessly trying to see things from their end, or perspective but I always fall short.

Ugh, there's so many things going on right now. She contacted me again recently and we talked a little. She's always treating me like a punching bag, throwing crap at my face and treating me like she want to. Disrespecting me. I've put up with it so far, I've forgiven her each time. I don't know why. Maybe because I love her so much? I guess. Anyway I talked with him about the whole thing, explained the story to him. From start to end, more or less. It felt good getting it out, I think. I also happened to explain it to someone else. They both helped me a lot, gave me suggestions of what I could do. He was a little protective though.. Or rather, he was furious. 

"She might be miserable, but you don't have any reason what so ever to keep helping her if she treats you like this!" "From what I've read, you shouldn't put up with this. You're worn down and she isn't good for you."

She said some of the same things. Encouraged me to do what I felt I needed to. Helped me. "You might think this sounds cliché and you're probably going to ignore me after this, but, I can feel things are going to get better. You have me, him and your friends. We're all here for you, you just have to use us." "See? Things are already getting better."

So I did what I felt I had to, in order to be myself again.

I told her I couldn't talk to her, I couldn't help her.

I blocked her out, once and for all.

-

He's giving me troubles. I can't sleep at night. He leaves me wondering. He tells me he doesn't want to lose me, yet his actions tell me that I should just be fed up with this and take my leave. And maybe I should. I mean, I've considered it so many times. Yet it never really became a possibility. I know I can't I guess? That I'll always be headed right back to him in the end. Because I love him too, a lot. And each time he has a new girlfriend, a new flirt or even a new friend it pisses me off to no ends. Not that I have any right at all to be pissed off.

I blocked his activities on facebook from popping up on my news feed. It doesn't help though, I just keep checking his profile. Every day, at least ten times. It's annoying. It's the last thing I see when I go to bed and the first thing I do when I wake up.

I've been wondering if I should just call it quits. Tell him I can't do this, I find myself stalking him because I'm not with him. Because I miss him.

My mind about this has been on the edge since yesterday.

We were supposed to meet today. He called it off. I wrote to him yesterday to get it confirmed, and really, I had already cancelled and said no to a lot of things in order for this to happen. So I asked. 'No' he answered. Simple, no punctuation.

That pissed me off. How dare you?

I was so close to just saying 'if you call this off now, I dont want anything else to do with you'

I held it in. 

I keep thinking I should've said it.

-

Meanwhile I have this thing with him. It's great, talking to him is the best time of my day. I love when we accidently find out we have something in common or finish each others sentences. I feel like I belong with him, even though I haven't met him.

I feel home when I talk to him. He makes me smile and giggle and blush.

He knows how to make me smile when I'm sad, he listens to me complain and whine, and never says a thing about it. Well, only objectively.

He's so mature. So grown up.

I used to be scared about this. That we're on such different levels, I think.

We talked about it. I love that I don't have to hide anything, but he's caring enough to take up any issue there might be and carefully talk to me till I calm down.

He's good for me, I think, and I hope.