Ugh, there's so many things going on right now. She contacted me again recently and we talked a little. She's always treating me like a punching bag, throwing crap at my face and treating me like she want to. Disrespecting me. I've put up with it so far, I've forgiven her each time. I don't know why. Maybe because I love her so much? I guess. Anyway I talked with him about the whole thing, explained the story to him. From start to end, more or less. It felt good getting it out, I think. I also happened to explain it to someone else. They both helped me a lot, gave me suggestions of what I could do. He was a little protective though.. Or rather, he was furious.
"She might be miserable, but you don't have any reason what so ever to keep helping her if she treats you like this!" "From what I've read, you shouldn't put up with this. You're worn down and she isn't good for you."
She said some of the same things. Encouraged me to do what I felt I needed to. Helped me. "You might think this sounds cliché and you're probably going to ignore me after this, but, I can feel things are going to get better. You have me, him and your friends. We're all here for you, you just have to use us." "See? Things are already getting better."
So I did what I felt I had to, in order to be myself again.
I told her I couldn't talk to her, I couldn't help her.
I blocked her out, once and for all.
-
He's giving me troubles. I can't sleep at night. He leaves me wondering. He tells me he doesn't want to lose me, yet his actions tell me that I should just be fed up with this and take my leave. And maybe I should. I mean, I've considered it so many times. Yet it never really became a possibility. I know I can't I guess? That I'll always be headed right back to him in the end. Because I love him too, a lot. And each time he has a new girlfriend, a new flirt or even a new friend it pisses me off to no ends. Not that I have any right at all to be pissed off.
I blocked his activities on facebook from popping up on my news feed. It doesn't help though, I just keep checking his profile. Every day, at least ten times. It's annoying. It's the last thing I see when I go to bed and the first thing I do when I wake up.
I've been wondering if I should just call it quits. Tell him I can't do this, I find myself stalking him because I'm not with him. Because I miss him.
My mind about this has been on the edge since yesterday.
We were supposed to meet today. He called it off. I wrote to him yesterday to get it confirmed, and really, I had already cancelled and said no to a lot of things in order for this to happen. So I asked. 'No' he answered. Simple, no punctuation.
That pissed me off. How dare you?
I was so close to just saying 'if you call this off now, I dont want anything else to do with you'
I held it in.
I keep thinking I should've said it.
-
Meanwhile I have this thing with him. It's great, talking to him is the best time of my day. I love when we accidently find out we have something in common or finish each others sentences. I feel like I belong with him, even though I haven't met him.
I feel home when I talk to him. He makes me smile and giggle and blush.
He knows how to make me smile when I'm sad, he listens to me complain and whine, and never says a thing about it. Well, only objectively.
He's so mature. So grown up.
I used to be scared about this. That we're on such different levels, I think.
We talked about it. I love that I don't have to hide anything, but he's caring enough to take up any issue there might be and carefully talk to me till I calm down.
He's good for me, I think, and I hope.
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