That's what you get when you let your heart win

Det var en fejl. At se ham de to gange i December. Det var en stor fejltagelse. Jeg tænkte hey, det kan ikke gå så galt. Jeg tænkte jeg er forelsket i en anden, what the heck. Give it a shot.
Han var i Århus samme dag som jeg skrev.
Jeg gav ham nogle gaver.
To gange.
Den anden var ret latterlig. Et billede i en gul ramme. Et billede af vores skygger. Vi tog det i Vejle. Sidste sommer. Jeg kan huske den dag. Ikke om det var den første eller sidste gang vi så hinanden i Vejle, men jeg kan huske den tydeligt. Heh.

Jeg gik i panik den tredje gang vi skulle ses. Skrev ikke til ham. Ignorede ham. Jeg havde haft et panik anfald aftenen inden. Jeg turde ikke sige noget til ham. Han skrev heller aldrig. Det endte med at jeg gik rundt i byen alene. Gik de steder vi ville have gået, sad de steder vi ville have siddet. Jeg tror det regnede lidt. Latterligt, tænkte jeg.

I sidste ende er det jo det man kan regne med. Når man er ustabil. Når man har store, tydelige fejl. At folk forandrer sig. At de forelsker sig i andre. Og det er okay. Jeg er ikke sur. Jeg er glad for at han har fundet en han føler han kan stole på og forholde sig til. En som er det jeg ikke er. Det er fint.

Et sted gør det bare ondt. Men jeg må bare bide i det sure æble og trække på skuldrene. Være voksen. Sige den rigtige kommer nok forbi på et tidspunkt.
Måske skulle jeg holde mig fra forhold. Men på den anden side, jeg kan ikke fungere uden kærlighed. Jeg er som et hungrende dyr, søger mod det. Lige meget om det viser sig at være farligt. Nemt. Trættende.

Jeg er dum, jeg ved det.
Jeg er desperat.
Jeg ved det.

Men hvad kan jeg gøre, jeg har prøvet at ændre mig.
I did, really try.

Men måske er det bare på tide at finde en der kan acceptere de fejl. I stedet for at prøve at ændre dem, når de er så indgroet en del af mig som de er.
Måske er det på tide at lade være med at jagte ham. At lade være med at tjekke al hans aktivitet på nettet. Lade han være.
Men på den anden side har jeg jo prøvet det. Flere gange og jeg ender altid det samme sted.

Men ak, 2011 er gået og til Januar starter han et nyt liv uden mig. Med hende.
Og det er fint.
Det er jeg glad for.

Måske kan han endelig få den kærlighed tilbage som han fortjener.

Holiday season

Thinking back upon your life and reflecting upon your choices, is somehow the most troubling thing at all. There's times when you just wish you could go back and change something, anything, to make the outcome better, knowing what you know now. But then again, would you be the same person? If things didn't happen for a reason, and if they didn't happen to shape you, then why did they happen?

Some people say things happen for a reason, and I believe it does.

I'm not a great person. I have and I continue to do horrible things. I flirt with everyone. I play with peoples feelings. I stop talking to them when they bore or annoy me. I take up talking to them whenever I feel like it.

I have flaws, countless of flaws and I'm well aware. But not enough to do something about them. They're there, and they're a part of me. They shape me and make me who I am. Admittedly, that is not the right way to look at things, as your flaws should be something you strive to smoothen out.

But I don't care anymore.

---

I keep hearing things. Reading things. People tell me things.
It bothers me, and it makes me wonder. Should I really just ignore all these flaws or should I do something about it? So maybe I could be the person to make them happy. Make him happy. Make her happy.
Alas, I know I can't. There's simply too much. And I know people who will smile at me and say that no fault is bigger than it can be fixed.
But you're wrong.
I'm too big an idiot to do right.
I'm too much of a failure to be a good person.
I can't make them happy.
I gave up trying.
Maybe that's the issue here, maybe I give up too easily.
But when the world is against you for six long years, what do you suspect from someone? That they miraculously live up and say 'hey, I'm alright'? 'I'll make it?' 'I've got the will to carry on?'
Do you expect them to crawl up from their hole of self pity to take on the responsibility of their own miserable life?
Do you?
No.
They can't do that.
They're weak people, the weakest.
I'm weak.

tired and uninspired

I've been so tired lately. Not only physically, but mentally. Mostly mentally. My body is getting used to work 40 hours a week and it's honestly not that bad. It takes my mind off all the things I don't want to think about. It's great, working till you're so tired you can't even think anymore. But then again, there's nights where I'm not worn out. There's nights where I can't help but think. Where all the thoughts I hide away during the day creeps up on me and makes me feel empty. Do I really have a good life? Sometimes I wonder. Yes I'm alive and yes I have a job, I get paid decent money and I have friends (though I rarely see them), but isn't there supposed to be more to life?
When I'm with my friends I have a good time. But I constantly look at them and think 'what if I could kiss them? what if they were mine and I could hold them and kiss them all I want to?' It's weird. I'm starting to do this with almost everyone. Am I that desperate to love and be loved in return?

I'm not well. I'm not comfortable. I'm starting to doubt who I am. I don't fit a label and it freaks me out. I'm supposed to fit in somewhere right? But I can't figure it out.

I don't think I'm a boy anymore. Well, I see myself as a boy rather than a girl, but really is this what I am? I love hearing people call me a he. Say I'm a man. It makes me smile and it gives me hope. But then again, I don't really mind when people call me a she. It doesn't bother me that much. I love jewellery. I love cute necklaces and I love rings. I love shoes and I love fashion. Heck, I love wearing stilettos.
But I can't love all that and still expect to be addressed a he. I can't. People aren't that understanding, maybe on the internet, but not in the real world.
Even my friends wont accept me. They call me a she constantly. Excuses themselves and says oops sorry, but then does it again. It hurts. I know I'm feminine, I like that actually, but if I tell you I want to be addressed as a boy, why don't you accept it? I might be in doubt but for now I would expect you to address me as I prefer. But all you do is hurting me.

I guess that's how society is today.

If you don't fit into the label, you're an outcast. It doesn't really matter, it just. I don't know. It's weird.

I keep hearing things I don't want to hear. I keep letting it get to me. Her, him. What they do, how they are, who they flirt with.
I know she just got a new girlfriend. It doesn't bother me too much as that it's someone I know. It doesn't bother me it's a girl. What bothers me is that she's such a hypocrite. How can she tell me that she loves me, but can never be with me because I'm a girl, and then a month later get involved with and have lesbian sex with someone else? That's just... I don't even know anymore. It's so weird. It keeps me thinking, hey, what is wrong with me? Was I never really good enough? I realise I'm out of the norm for you, but seriously. You could at least have told me the truth from the start instead of keeping me tricked like that. 'Sorry, you're just not my type.' That's easy. It would hurt, yes, but it would hurt less than this. This is just stupid on so many levels. Well, I just hope you're happy with that choice. I hope you'll be happy with her, at least she's a really nice person!

He's flirting with everyone. A shameless flirt I guess. Same goes for me, still I feel like I'm being replaced. I don't know, it's like he barely talks to me and when he does it's all about who he flirted with at the party last night and who he almost banged. I don't, not to be rude, but I don't really care. I just, I find it hurtful. I ran off the first time he did it. I couldn't bear it. It really hurt. I realise I'm on the other side of the country and I realise I'm kind of a dork when it comes to being intimate, but come on. That, it isn't really fair to say you've got something with me and then go around flirting with someone else is it? Or am I just old fashioned?

Maybe I'm pulling some kind of revenge on him. Or maybe I'm falling out of love with him. Maybe it was just a small crush in the end. I don't know. But I found this really cute girl. She's fun, sweet and caring, even though we just talked for a few hours total. I realise she's crushing on someone else, but I'm shamelessly flirting with her. All the time. I like it, she makes me smile and blush. Maybe I'm starting to crush on her. I dont know. She lives in Germany. Close to the border, so it wouldn't be too much visiting her. She invited me to a homestuck meet there, it lasts a couple of days and it's in Frankfurt.
I'm considering it, seriously.

She even invited me to go to America with her when she's out of school. She even said we could get an apartment and start a life there. Together. It made me really happy, but I don't know if she was joking or what. She would be the kind to joke about serious matters like that, but I really like her and I would really like to escape everything here and just go to America with her. Next year I'll start saving up, even.

Maybe that's what I need to do. Escape to somewhere with a stranger and live a new life. I have lots of friends in America, I guess I could do it.

But then again, I just feel like everything is so complicated.

the edge

For the second or third time. It happened again. Or really, who's counting? Maybe it's been more. But this time it's final, I'm sure.
Dont write to me anymore, she said. Of course I respect that. I just wonder. Do I really mean that little to her? That she can just without warning tell me to piss the fuck off? I guess, in the end I wasn't more than a shoulder to cry on. Things seperated us, and while I was still in love with her she moved on. I mean come on! In the start of November she was all over me! And now what? Now she apparently has someone else and she doesn't love me anymore. It's weird. How people can forget things that fast. We used to be so close. We used to be just like twins. And now we're not together, not even as friends.

It's a shame.

It's a shame she can't make up her mind and it's a shame I can't be her friend. I'm not enough for her and in the end I never were. She kissed me and told me I was the only one for her, she promised me we should build a future together and someday we would live happily ever after.
Where did those dreams go? Did you bury them along with the person I used to know in you?
You're not the same, that much is clear. You're egoistic, ignorant, disrespectful and cold. You've grown to be so distant.
I want nothing but the best for you, so of course, I accept that you want me gone.
Everybody else wants me gone too.
I'm a burden to everyone. I pester them.
Bring them down.
I know all that. I know all what you can tell me I am. I know.
Don't you think it bothers me? Don't you think I wish I could be someone else? Be the idol everyone makes me out to be? The perfect human being? Don't you think I wish for that? Yearn for?

In the end, you're happy with whoever you're with now.
Things are okay for you.
I'm happy for that.

You're happy and I'm going to disappear for good.
In the end, this is the best solution.
For everyone.

be brave, be strong

I just want to sit in my room and cry

hang my head in shame 

and die

I keep telling people when they're down, that it gets better. You'll be happy, you'll be lucky. You're worth so much and you're loved. But when it comes to myself I just don't believe it. It's bullshit. When you've hit rock bottom, nothing gets better. You're stuck. And if you can't get out of the hole you're buried in, well good luck with life.

Ugh, I just. I keep getting this feeling, like every decision I make - it's the wrong one. I can't figure it out. I constantly make the same mistake.

I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of feelings.

I'm sick of being lonely.

I'm sick of being miserable, vague and idiotic.

I'm sick of being all the things that makes me, me.

I want to disappear.

I haven't had this great a wish for anything before. I really just want to disappear. End all this pain and misery. Get away from everyone and everything.

Die? I guess not. I wouldn't be able to kill myself. No matter how hard I tried. I know. But if I could take a pill of some sort. No pain, instant death.

I would.

I can't be strong no more. I was never that strong. I pretended, and I'm too weak now to pretend any longer..

the war within

More than ever I'm seriously considering seeing a psychiatrist of some kind. Not only on my gender issues, but also on my split personality that I've been experiencing, lately more often than not. It's sort of a delicate thing to explain and talk about- and I have trouble putting it into words.

It's like I have this, split mind. One half of it is always positive about everything and the other is skeptical and negative. They're at war- constantly. Or at least regarding bigger decisions and whatnot. They're shouting at each other, one talking for something, the other against it. The pessimistic and the optimistic? The pessimistic almost always wins. And when the other does, the negative mind always finds a way to make me do things I regret. Like telling my crush things wont work without even having tried it. Like telling your ex you want him back and then pushing him away the next day.

It's because of this war that's in my mind that I keep messing up. I keep doing something and regretting it the next day.

It's not so much anymore, but earlier this year and some years before, I had these 'blackouts' where I couldn't remember what I had said or done maybe six hours at a time. I remember my boyfriend at some point telling me I had furiously broken up with him several times and the next day been all lovey-dovey and not remembering a thing. It's scary. Earlier this year I had this where I was in school for six hours or so, and the time from when I got home and till I went to bed was completely erased from my memory. We had this sort of 'what did I do yesterday' round going on at my school at the time, and when I was my turn I could never remember a thing. It puzzled me at the time, but I passed it off as 'I was probably tired and went to sleep or something', but it continued happening. I could recall every single assignment of the school day, but nothing from my spare time.

As I said I haven't been experiencing that thing for a while, but I'm afraid it will come back. I have been at war with myself for too long. It needs to be stopped, I'm just afraid that it's me. That there's no disorder, no illness, that it's just me that's fucked up beyond repair.

I'm afraid.

I fucked it up with my ex a lot of times, and he gave me so much chances, but isn't it really time to move on? But on the other hand I already fucked things up with the new guy as well, haha. I broke it off before it even started. Which is weird, because I'm usually really open about such and I'm ready to take on a challenge.
Or am I?
Aren't I really just too scared to try something new? That's why I keep moving back to the safe road that's my ex, isn't it?
I wish he would just have pulled me aside last week and said what I wished I had said back when I acted fucked up in front of him. 'I don't care if you're weird, or messed up. I don't care if you have a disorder or if you're just an idiot. I want to make this work, because I've fallen in love with you.'
But he didn't.

Of course he didn't..

you have got to stop these things

Fuck it, everything. Why are you doing this to me? Is it some kind of revenge? Some silly game you hide behind? I don't know why I even bother. I should've forgotten about you when we broke up. It's been a year or so. But I'm still there, stuck where you left me. I tried to pick up the pieces, but ended up spreading them further. I just don't know how to handle the situation. I don't know what to do. It's lame. And now I've hurt someone else because I'm still hopelessly in love with you. I thought I could move on like you did. I tried, and I failed. Now there's two broken hearts. Why am I doing this. I should just quit it all. I gave up on love when we parted, and things still haven't changed. I know you wont pick me again and why would you? I fucked it all up. Everything. There's nothing changed about me. I'm still the same bastard I was thirteen months ago.

It's so weird, haha. I keep stalking you. Your facebook, your blogs. I keep reading them over and over, I keep being annoyed and sad and angry because of the things you write. I keep letting you provoke me, even though I'm sure you don't care about me in the end.

It was too much for me seeing you at Jpop. I think I caught your eye once. I tried to smile, I tried to be happy for you, but in the end, I think I couldn't manage. It hurt so much to see you laughing with all your friends. Surrounded by love. You've even got a new girlfriend now. And I'm just here, in the same place as your other ex, being bitter that she ain't me. I hung out with your ex at Jpop, did you notice? She's nice and all, I see why you would fall for her. But each time you were around, she started saying things like 'Oh my god, the idiot is around again' and 'someone I don't want to see is coming this way', and after some time I caught myself thinking 'I'm hopelessly in love with him too, why don't you just shut the fuck up and bite your tongue?'. Each time she looked away, I desperately tried to make you out in the crowd. Sighing each time, it was annoying.
I couldn't even think of anything else. Well, only one other person. I was hoping so much it would work out, but in the end you were right. It didn't. It was just a flirt that could never evolve. Perhaps it's because of my state of mind? Well, not only. Partially, it is, I know.

I'm a miserable, lonely little bastard and I'm desperate for love. But nothing works out and it annoys me. It makes me depressed and suicidal. I just want to disappear. Even just for a while, yea? I just want to float in nothingness and be no one. Nothing.

Right now I'm just an empty shell. Work fills out my day and when I get home in the evening I don't really have more energy to be sad. I'm just sitting there, in front of my computer and sigh in despair. I just want something to work out for once. I just want someone near me to hold me. Something that will work in the long run..

i want to be fixed

Lately, when I've looked in the mirror I see much more an ugly girl trying so desperately to find herself, than the boy I think I am. Lately it's been so much, that I've come to doubt myself. Am I really a boy?
Sometimes I feel like I just want to be nothing. I want to float in between the norm and I want to be nothing. I don't want to be a boy. I don't want to be a girl.
I just want my name changed and my breasts gone.

Maybe it's because people ignore the fact that I want to be addressed as a boy. Maybe it's the simple fact that people throughout the weekend have continuously called me a girl and called me she and so on. Each time I've just let it pass like 'oh it's ok' and 'haha, it doesn't matter'. But truth is, it hurts so much. I don't want to be a girl, but I don't really want to be a boy that much either. But if it's this hard making people call me a he, how hard wont it be making them call me an it?

Meanwhile I can't think anymore. I just, it feels like I'm supposed to never be happy. Because, I am never. I keep saying to people, it gets better! and I keep smiling and I try to look at the positive side of life. I get up in the morning and I try to make it through a day without frowning, but sometimes it's just hard. It's hard to keep on smiling when nothing works and you're a lonely little bastard. And have been for years.
I gave up with love long ago. Or at least I told myself I did. Then he came along and I thought, hey, maybe I should give this a chance again. It went alright, haha, until we met. I don't really know what went wrong but I guess.. There was just nothing. He was too far away. Mentally I guess.
And it's tough.

It's tough watching your ex's move on and get new partners, while you're still stuck in square one.
It's tough looking at the one you thought you were going to start your future with and know that it just wont work out.
It's tough to realise that you can't reach his level and you can't even go back
It's tough knowing you're sending yourself right back to where you started.

I dont know what to do anymore.. I don't know how I will handle tomorrow.
I'm off work tomorrow.. I just.. I don't know how.. I think I'll break down.. but I dont want to! I want to be strong and make my way through this.. but the truth is.. I'm not strong.. and I'm sick of pretending that I am.. I'm fragile and I just need someone, anyone, to be my knight I guess?....

beat

It's like forgetting the words to your favourite song

You can't believe it, you were always singing along

You spend half of your life trying to fall behind

You're using your headphones to drown your mind

~ Eet - Regina Spektor ~

"Dance, dance, dance along. Even when you've forgot the beat."

I can't feel the beat. I can't figure anything out. I'm scared of tomorrow. I'm scared of today.

I can't see what comes next and it scares me so much I can't think. I don't have any escape. I'm trapped.

It's hard to see them move on, and find yourself in the same spot. It's hard looking at the one you thought you were going to start a new life with, and just know that it wont work. 

I don't feel like going anywhere today. I'm sick and I'm tired and I nearly can't speak. But I have to go. I have to have something to do today or I will break down. I need something in my life, and right now I guess work fills out the emptiness. For now..

the art of letting go

It's truly difficult. I have said goodbye to many things throughout my life, but nothing has ever been this tough on me. I'm doubting everything. I can't accept the fact that the choice you made was not me. I can't accept the fact that I let you go. That I told you to go. I can't for the life of the figure out why this ended like it did. It bothers me. To endless extents. I don't want to be the vague minded, but I guess I am. Or maybe I just can't make up my mind. Heck, everybody knows I can't make up my mind.

On one hand I really don't want to hurt him. Some days I feel like, what we have going on right now is the best thing ever, but on other days I just feel like I should've said no from the beginning. Sat my foot down, stayed with him. I guess there's more of those days, than the good. I don't know. I'm so unstable right now. I can't do it, I keep thinking. I can't have a relationship with him because I'm stupid and I'm an emotional wreck and I can't figure out what is the best to do. Some days I hope he will be so disappointed when he meets me that he will stop talking to me. Some days I hope everything will be fine and we will be able to talk for hours on end.

In between those

I just

want to disappear.

I saw a post on tumblr some days ago. 'If there was a pill that could kill you instantly, with no pain, would you take it?'
It triggered it all. All the suicidal thoughts that had been lurking in the back of my head for months. All the depression I had stuffed away in the back of my mind, all the sad and the sorrow I had tried to hide. The dysphoria, the insecurity, the pain. It welled up in me and I felt terrible. I can't remember exactly how long, but I remember crying my eyes out. Silently. Till they were all red and puffy. They were hurting. My throat was dry. I remember just sitting there, by my desk, bawling for who knows how long.

The truth is

if I was brave enough

I would do it.

I hate living, I despise it. There's so much trouble and I'm too fragile. My mind is a wreck. I can't think. I can't love. I can't live.
I'm not living.
I'm breathing, and I wake up in the morning, but I'm not living. I talk to people but they don't see me and I don't see them. They're just silhouettes and I'm just a shell of what once was a human being.
I'm so fucked up.
I hate myself.

I know this wont work. It's not that I have set my mind for it to not work, I just know it wont. I'm not brave enough. I can't do this. I can't. Not right now. I'm.. I just can't right now.

I know he's reading this. And I somehow hope he will realise what he has gotten himself into. What a terrible mess. And I hope, somehow, that he will stop this... somewhere... even if there's something screaming at me to not feel that way.. I.. feel like.. this should end.. soon..

Fucking fucked up shit..

Prisoner of hope ♥

Fresh out of your teens, growing right up

Don't know what it means, but you're in love

Feels like you're lost in a deep cloud, again

Time's only a game

Both of your hearts sing the refrain

You know you're a prisoner of hope

Teenage Heaven - Andrew Huang

---

I know I should probably be more upset about everything right now, since I have just lost two persons I love a lot and I have a lot of trouble with my family.

But it doesn't really bother me.

In fact, I'm feeling pretty good. I don't think about the darker aspects of my life anymore, and I can thank a special someone for that. It's a weird feeling, he's constantly in my thoughts and it makes me smile. I find myself daydreaming more often, sighing with a smile on my lips. I don't care about my family that much, there just there. I long for the day I'll be out of here, even though I know it wont be just yet. But I'm looking forward to it. It's in the horizon. I can barely make it out, but it's there. It's coming closer. Slowly, but steadily.

I can't say what the future will bring. If I'll eventually end up with him or if he'll get fed up with me faster than the others. We will see, but for now, I want to enjoy this feeling. I haven't truly felt like this for a long time. I guess, I've sort of avoided it. I've only been with people for the comfort, the safety I could feel with them. I've denied any possible feelings. 

I'm just here because I need someone, anyone. It's not like that anymore.

I could see myself with him, but still, I know life isn't that easy. I want things to be okay, I want everything to work out in the end to our favor, but I can't be sure it will. I lack a backbone. And sometimes, things are just too hard. I run away. Hide. I want to be a stronger person, I really do, but can I? Probably not.. Not yet at least.

I'll be there. Someday, but not today. Not tomorrow and probably not in the nearest future. But I'll make it. I will be happy and things will be well.

don't cry ♦

I wish I could be the one to tell you don't worry

But I can't be that man, just know that I'm sorry

Don't worry - Andrew

I'm currently feeling really weird.. I came home today after being with my best friend for the weekend and my mom greeted me. I sat with her talking on the porch for a few minutes and in those few minutes she managed to piss me off. I think I remained calm though..

She asked me "Are you a girl or a guy today?" So I responded, "I'm a guy, what a weird question to ask."

She looked at me with that disappointed look in her eyes and said, it's not weird, I gave birth to a girl. I remained silent, I hate discussing this and it usually doesn't end well anyway. So she proceeded to talk. "You're not getting an operation are you?" Of course I said, well, just my boobs. They're in the way and they make me unhappy. Everything else doesn't really matter to me.

That look again. "It's just a phase. Surgery is drastic."

I was so close to just shouting at her, telling her to shut up. I know what I am I wanted to tell her. I've always felt this way. I've always been awkward as a girl. I'm happy like this, and I know deep in my heart that happiness will come to me if I'm just satisfied with my appearance. You can't love anyone if you don't love yourself. I didn't tell her though. I couldn't talk. I just got up and left.

It's the first time we talked about surgery. I know she's against it, but if that what it takes to make me happy? I'm going for it. If the world ends in 2012, I want to at least have done this last thing for myself. I want to get this done. I made up my mind, and I'm going to save up for it.

It's been a really really messed up week

Seven days of torture, seven days of bitter

I don't know if I'll make it,

but watch how good I'll fake it

Tonight tonight - Hot Chelle Rae

I don't even know what to write, I just, feel like updating. I quit two of my best friends, two people I love too much to describe in words. I guess it's for the better for all of us, but it's still hard. I have to constantly keep myself in check not to cry. I'm not weak. I can get through this right? Of course! And so will they.

They'll make it, time will heal their wounds. 

She'll get better. She'll not feel suicidal anymore and she will find someone worth her time and effort. She will learn to trust and be respectful, not to judge. She's young, she's got time.

He'll get better as well. He'll get me out of this thoughts and he will find someone as well, worthy of his time and love and effort. He will find someone who will love him as much as I do and he will be happy. Time really does heal all wounds doesnt it? Yes and in this case as well.

All will be well, everything will be alright and everything will be well.

I hope I chose the right thing, but the lies and the contradictions got too much for me. I couldnt take it, the weird contradictions the weird statements. Well.

The choice has been made, though I feel like I was sorta forced jumping into it. I didn't want to make a decision yet, since I guess it's too early to tell if this will really evolve into anything.

But oh well, he likes me and I like him, so I hope we'll be doing good. I guess I really want this to work out because the last didn't. I miss someone with me, feeling loved. Aha, it's weird. I know I'm loved, by lots of people actually, but I never felt as loved as when I was with him. I just want to go back to that time, but I know it's over. I know that time is past and I can't change that, even if I want to. Sigh, it's sad isn't it?

But life goes on. He'll be happy and I will be happy and even if we never see each other again, I know that he will be in my thoughts.. for at least a long time onwards.

Well that's that.

bleeding ♦

It annoys me that I can't figure things out. I'm hopelessly trying to see things from their end, or perspective but I always fall short.

Ugh, there's so many things going on right now. She contacted me again recently and we talked a little. She's always treating me like a punching bag, throwing crap at my face and treating me like she want to. Disrespecting me. I've put up with it so far, I've forgiven her each time. I don't know why. Maybe because I love her so much? I guess. Anyway I talked with him about the whole thing, explained the story to him. From start to end, more or less. It felt good getting it out, I think. I also happened to explain it to someone else. They both helped me a lot, gave me suggestions of what I could do. He was a little protective though.. Or rather, he was furious. 

"She might be miserable, but you don't have any reason what so ever to keep helping her if she treats you like this!" "From what I've read, you shouldn't put up with this. You're worn down and she isn't good for you."

She said some of the same things. Encouraged me to do what I felt I needed to. Helped me. "You might think this sounds cliché and you're probably going to ignore me after this, but, I can feel things are going to get better. You have me, him and your friends. We're all here for you, you just have to use us." "See? Things are already getting better."

So I did what I felt I had to, in order to be myself again.

I told her I couldn't talk to her, I couldn't help her.

I blocked her out, once and for all.

-

He's giving me troubles. I can't sleep at night. He leaves me wondering. He tells me he doesn't want to lose me, yet his actions tell me that I should just be fed up with this and take my leave. And maybe I should. I mean, I've considered it so many times. Yet it never really became a possibility. I know I can't I guess? That I'll always be headed right back to him in the end. Because I love him too, a lot. And each time he has a new girlfriend, a new flirt or even a new friend it pisses me off to no ends. Not that I have any right at all to be pissed off.

I blocked his activities on facebook from popping up on my news feed. It doesn't help though, I just keep checking his profile. Every day, at least ten times. It's annoying. It's the last thing I see when I go to bed and the first thing I do when I wake up.

I've been wondering if I should just call it quits. Tell him I can't do this, I find myself stalking him because I'm not with him. Because I miss him.

My mind about this has been on the edge since yesterday.

We were supposed to meet today. He called it off. I wrote to him yesterday to get it confirmed, and really, I had already cancelled and said no to a lot of things in order for this to happen. So I asked. 'No' he answered. Simple, no punctuation.

That pissed me off. How dare you?

I was so close to just saying 'if you call this off now, I dont want anything else to do with you'

I held it in. 

I keep thinking I should've said it.

-

Meanwhile I have this thing with him. It's great, talking to him is the best time of my day. I love when we accidently find out we have something in common or finish each others sentences. I feel like I belong with him, even though I haven't met him.

I feel home when I talk to him. He makes me smile and giggle and blush.

He knows how to make me smile when I'm sad, he listens to me complain and whine, and never says a thing about it. Well, only objectively.

He's so mature. So grown up.

I used to be scared about this. That we're on such different levels, I think.

We talked about it. I love that I don't have to hide anything, but he's caring enough to take up any issue there might be and carefully talk to me till I calm down.

He's good for me, I think, and I hope.