Untitled II

A lot of things have been happening recently.
The week started out like any other. Well, not quite. I had a good day monday, until my advisor came by the store for a talk. I don't mind these talks because usually it's all good stuff. But this time, it wasn't. Well, there was only one negative thing, but it's the one and only thing that I'm sensitive about. My depression.
I have difficult times. It varies in length, but lately it's been for months at a time. Most recently was in march or something. I can't remember why, but I know I had a tough time just then. For the entire month. And it wasn't until April started that I got myself back up and got to be my usual self. I was really sad for the entire month. And even when I came to work, I barely did anything. I was tired, unstable, easily annoyed and I had just gotten my iphone, so I shut myself up mostly.
Of course my boss noticed, everyone did.
And I'm just generally sensitive about this issue, because I try so hard normally to keep it hidden away. No one knew before that meeting that I have a depression and how hard it is for me to get up in the morning.
While I don't mind people knowing I just... don't like talking about it I guess? Because the tears well up in my eyes at the first word. When someone notices it and asks, the tears just come rolling down my cheeks and I can't make it stop. And I guess that's it. I hate when people see me cry. I feel weak and pathetic and while it's not my fault I have a depression, it just makes me come off weak, yknow? While it's not. It's actually the complete opposite.

But still.

Anyway, I just started crying. Bawling my eyes out, even though I didn't want to. And they thought it was because of the negative things he said, but it wasn't. I can handle criticism, but not when it's about my depression or my actions because of it.

But I digress.

Tuesday was my off day. I started it out with visiting my Højskole with my advisor, got a tour and such, to see if it was what I thought it was.
I had imagined it to be more... school like, but it was more relaxed and there was a really nice atmosphere there. I liked it. So we reserved a one man room for me and I'm accepted there for the autumn course. I'm excited for that! It's gonna be tough for me because there's so many people, but they all share a lot of my interests and I'm bound to find someone who likes the more bizarre things as much as I do.

My biggest worry is that I wont be able to talk to anyone because I wont be sharing a room with anyone like most of the others.
Hopefully I wont be totally alone for 17 weeks.

Wednesday started out pretty normal, but things got weird when I came home. My dad was drunk off his head and was really annoying, as he always is when he's drunk.
He locked himself up in the garage shortly after my mum came home and stayed out there completely silent till like 10.

I was on my way to bed when I heard my mum shouting from outside, and glass shattering. I just thought it was my dad throwing a fit because he was drunk, so at first I thought what the hell and went to the bathroom. The shouting got louder and I thought 'that's weird, she sounds like she's panicking'. So I went outside, only to see the garage in flames. And I admit, I panicked too. My mum was on the phone with the police or fire fighters or whatever, already so I did what anyone would try to do - put out the flames. I got a bowl and started hurling water over the flames but of course it was in vain, the flames were already too much. So I grabbed my dog and sat in my room. The electricity was gone too, because everything is connected with the garage and the wires had probably melted out there or something.

So I sat there for a while, in the dark, petting my dog.
And I called Robin, because, I don't know, I felt like I needed to hear his voice.
It was soothing for a while, then my mum barged in and the cops came to talk to us about what happened.

The panic passed and I became more and more furious with my dad.

I don't remember much more except my aunt came and we were in the hospital till about 2 am, and then we drove home and I went to bed.

The next days passed pretty slowly. I was at home with my mum and aunt, taking care of what needs to be taken care of. I've been feeling pretty normal, though. I haven't cried since wednesday night.

Saturday afternoon Sarah came over. We've relaxed and had fun, and it was nice seeing someone for a change. We watched Norwegian Wood for the second time and once again about the only thing I can remember from it is when Naoko talks about how it would be brilliant if you could get stuck between age 18 and 19. And of course the thought process comes back to Kizuki who killed himself at age 17, and as the narrator states himself - only the dead stay 17 forever. The title of my blog. A sort of philosophy in life. Live, don't regret because only the dead stay 17 forever.

She went home sunday, and left me with a feeling of loneliness and despair. Finally feelings are emerging, and I'm afraid my mum will take them as a result of my fathers suicide attempt, while it's just because of all the other things in my life. I feel so damn lonely, and miserable and I don't know why. I'm angry with my dad, but otherwise there's no feelings connected to that incident.

And here I am, crying again. For the first time since wednesday, but probably not the last in the coming week.

I haven't talked with Robin for days.

He just stopped writing, I guess. I'm not that interesting anyway. I'm a wreck anyway.

He's not even updating me.

Or telling me whats wrong when I ask.

Did he already grow tired of me?

I can't help but wonder, if it's the right thing.

I know he's got his right now and that it's probably gonna be difficult to keep in touch all the time it's just.. A big change, so fast.
And I mean now of all times? I need to talk to him. I guess, but I'm stubborn.
I won't admit it.
And tomorrow I'm starting work again, I feel like I'm giving myself an excuse to ignore him.
Like I've felt ignored this whole time.

distancing yourself

It's difficult. Trying to care when you're in need of care yourself. Trying to take the first step and hold out a hand when you're having a hard time just standing. Trying to pull someone up when your legs are shaking.

I'm not good with these situations. I don't know what to do, I tense up and remain silent, even though I see the pain in their eyes, hear the sadness behind their cheery words and feel the sorrow radiating from them. I've never been good with humans, I can't tell when they're happy from when they're sad, and if they hint me it's most likely to pass right over my head.
But when I get the feel that something is wrong, I don't know the feeling just stick. Things start clearing up somehow. I guess that's whats going on.
He's feeling so down and is so depressed about how things turned out, and I just can't do a thing. When I most want to run up to him and hug him, tell him things are going to be fine and all that, I just can't. And I find that I'm distancing myself more and more.

I'm not the first to send a text saying what's up, are you sad? I'm not the first to jump on a train and not give a fuck about anything else. And I feel bad for that, because I think people get the wrong impression of me. Truth is, I'm just.. not good at being comforting. And when things are so bad I don't even know what to say, then well... I can't say anything.

Clamped up.

I'm tired of feeling useless like this, I feel like I'm not good for anything or anyone. I mean, I can't even comfort those I care about!

Hopeless.

Helpless.

Don't let it win

I hate having negative thoughts and feelings like this. It's different from usual, because it's not about myself.
It's about her.
Now first of all let me make this much clear - I don't know her, I don't intend on getting to know her, heck I don't even want to meet her. I don't like her. For no particular reason. Or maybe for the reason that she's in love with him.
It bugs me so much.
It's ridiculous.
It bugs me so much I feel like I should get rid of her.
Kill her.
Erase her from existence.

I don't want to kill anyone, but there's just this feeling, like anger boiling in my stomach and I just want to get rid of her so badly. So that she wont have the chance of coming between me and him, so that there wont be the slightest chance that when they move in together he develops feelings for her.

I feel terrible for thinking he would ever cheat on me, but I just can't help it.
I shouldn't be thinking this.

I had really hoped that when she heard we were together again she would run away, turn around and never ever come back. Naive, right?
Why should anyone do that.
I'm not intimidating, I bet.
She thinks she still has a chance.

And what if she does?

He wants so badly to move in with her.
They'll do it.

I said I'd visit him.

I wont.

Not while she's there.

I'm afraid I'll just kill her then and there. Lose my mind and stab her guts with the nearest kitchen knife. Watch her insides spill onto the floor, hear the screaming, feel the blood.

That's kinda a weird thought.

Murdering someone in a jealous frenzy.

I'm going crazy, I'm sure of it.

Back to business

It's silly really, but I'm proud of myself. Today for the very first time I walked around the house in boxers only, parents home and all and I didn't give a single fuck. I'm so proud of myself haha, I've come a long way, despite what I may think at times. I've grown to be more comfortable with myself, even with my boobs, despite the fact that they shouldn't be there. I just tell myself, it's ok to walk around topless, because if everything was as it should be, my boobs shouldn't be there and it'd be acceptable. Someday they're gonna be gone, so I gotta feel good showing off my chest yea? Whether there's unnecessary fat or not, right? That's what I'm doing at least. It's a brilliant feeling!

Anyway, As it's the first of April today, there's only two months left of my work in Photocare. I'm not sure how I feel about that, I mean it's going to be though not having anything to wake up to in the morning, and I'm sure I'll get out of shape fast. But then again, it's summer soon and I'll be more motivated to do something about my body. It'll be fine I guess.

More than ever I'm determined to become handsome, get a slimmer face and work out more. I want to be someone I can feel comfortable with, and even if I am really comfortable right now, who knows when that will end? So I have some ideals I want to achieve, so I'll work on that over the summer :)

I asked Izzy if she wanted to go with me to London this summer, but since the OL is there, we'll probably go to Paris instead. I'm not sure whether or not I can actually make it, but we'll see... Of course I hope it'll happen. My mum even said it's ok for me to go. I'm an adult and all, but I'm surprised she was so easy about it. Normally, I'd have to convince her for days on end just to get a maybe.
Maybe I've shown more responsibility lately? Having a job and all. And I'm turning 19, I guess she realised that she can't really hold me forever.

So I'll try to make it happen! It's going to be so awesome. I love Izzy a whole lot, and we share a lot of interests, so it should be so nice. Paris is a wonderful city, which I've sadly only been to once many years ago, so it'll be awesome going there again! Even if the days will mostly consist of shopping, haha!

Hmm I guess that's it for now. Things are great, I'm glad and I'm not either in love or craving love! Marvelous!