Untitled II

A lot of things have been happening recently.
The week started out like any other. Well, not quite. I had a good day monday, until my advisor came by the store for a talk. I don't mind these talks because usually it's all good stuff. But this time, it wasn't. Well, there was only one negative thing, but it's the one and only thing that I'm sensitive about. My depression.
I have difficult times. It varies in length, but lately it's been for months at a time. Most recently was in march or something. I can't remember why, but I know I had a tough time just then. For the entire month. And it wasn't until April started that I got myself back up and got to be my usual self. I was really sad for the entire month. And even when I came to work, I barely did anything. I was tired, unstable, easily annoyed and I had just gotten my iphone, so I shut myself up mostly.
Of course my boss noticed, everyone did.
And I'm just generally sensitive about this issue, because I try so hard normally to keep it hidden away. No one knew before that meeting that I have a depression and how hard it is for me to get up in the morning.
While I don't mind people knowing I just... don't like talking about it I guess? Because the tears well up in my eyes at the first word. When someone notices it and asks, the tears just come rolling down my cheeks and I can't make it stop. And I guess that's it. I hate when people see me cry. I feel weak and pathetic and while it's not my fault I have a depression, it just makes me come off weak, yknow? While it's not. It's actually the complete opposite.

But still.

Anyway, I just started crying. Bawling my eyes out, even though I didn't want to. And they thought it was because of the negative things he said, but it wasn't. I can handle criticism, but not when it's about my depression or my actions because of it.

But I digress.

Tuesday was my off day. I started it out with visiting my Højskole with my advisor, got a tour and such, to see if it was what I thought it was.
I had imagined it to be more... school like, but it was more relaxed and there was a really nice atmosphere there. I liked it. So we reserved a one man room for me and I'm accepted there for the autumn course. I'm excited for that! It's gonna be tough for me because there's so many people, but they all share a lot of my interests and I'm bound to find someone who likes the more bizarre things as much as I do.

My biggest worry is that I wont be able to talk to anyone because I wont be sharing a room with anyone like most of the others.
Hopefully I wont be totally alone for 17 weeks.

Wednesday started out pretty normal, but things got weird when I came home. My dad was drunk off his head and was really annoying, as he always is when he's drunk.
He locked himself up in the garage shortly after my mum came home and stayed out there completely silent till like 10.

I was on my way to bed when I heard my mum shouting from outside, and glass shattering. I just thought it was my dad throwing a fit because he was drunk, so at first I thought what the hell and went to the bathroom. The shouting got louder and I thought 'that's weird, she sounds like she's panicking'. So I went outside, only to see the garage in flames. And I admit, I panicked too. My mum was on the phone with the police or fire fighters or whatever, already so I did what anyone would try to do - put out the flames. I got a bowl and started hurling water over the flames but of course it was in vain, the flames were already too much. So I grabbed my dog and sat in my room. The electricity was gone too, because everything is connected with the garage and the wires had probably melted out there or something.

So I sat there for a while, in the dark, petting my dog.
And I called Robin, because, I don't know, I felt like I needed to hear his voice.
It was soothing for a while, then my mum barged in and the cops came to talk to us about what happened.

The panic passed and I became more and more furious with my dad.

I don't remember much more except my aunt came and we were in the hospital till about 2 am, and then we drove home and I went to bed.

The next days passed pretty slowly. I was at home with my mum and aunt, taking care of what needs to be taken care of. I've been feeling pretty normal, though. I haven't cried since wednesday night.

Saturday afternoon Sarah came over. We've relaxed and had fun, and it was nice seeing someone for a change. We watched Norwegian Wood for the second time and once again about the only thing I can remember from it is when Naoko talks about how it would be brilliant if you could get stuck between age 18 and 19. And of course the thought process comes back to Kizuki who killed himself at age 17, and as the narrator states himself - only the dead stay 17 forever. The title of my blog. A sort of philosophy in life. Live, don't regret because only the dead stay 17 forever.

She went home sunday, and left me with a feeling of loneliness and despair. Finally feelings are emerging, and I'm afraid my mum will take them as a result of my fathers suicide attempt, while it's just because of all the other things in my life. I feel so damn lonely, and miserable and I don't know why. I'm angry with my dad, but otherwise there's no feelings connected to that incident.

And here I am, crying again. For the first time since wednesday, but probably not the last in the coming week.

I haven't talked with Robin for days.

He just stopped writing, I guess. I'm not that interesting anyway. I'm a wreck anyway.

He's not even updating me.

Or telling me whats wrong when I ask.

Did he already grow tired of me?

I can't help but wonder, if it's the right thing.

I know he's got his right now and that it's probably gonna be difficult to keep in touch all the time it's just.. A big change, so fast.
And I mean now of all times? I need to talk to him. I guess, but I'm stubborn.
I won't admit it.
And tomorrow I'm starting work again, I feel like I'm giving myself an excuse to ignore him.
Like I've felt ignored this whole time.