Suddenly the thoughts starts crawling back, you start thinking things you don't want to, things you've been hiding far away in the farthest corner of your mind.
It's been quiet lately. No war, no fights. Just an endless stream of thoughts. Neutral. Nothing for and nothing against. It's been almost pleasant. But I've waited. Patiently, because it always comes back.
There's nothing positive. It's all screaming. 'Stop it', it yells. 'You're too weak and you can't do this'. 'You're gonna hurt them, hurt him, disappoint everyone.' 'It's just a matter of time before you break'.
It scares me.
Because it's right. I know this. I'm gonna back out eventually. I've cancelled the order of the rings. I've cancelled SVS. I'm sure I'll also back out the next time he asks to see me.
It scares me, my mind is so fragile. Any tiny detail and the wall crumbles.
I can't do this.
I can't do anything.
I can't do him justice.
I can't stay.
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