Walk on air

Somehow I find it really hilarious that he already has a seemingly 'new crush'. It's all just so stupid its so fun, really. I mean come on its been what, a week at most or something. Thoug I knew this would be the case. It always is. I just wish he would stop hurting so many people because he is starving for love and attention :/ emotional pain scars people like nothing else. Pfffftt.

Anyway I think I've finally found out what to do with myself, like how I feel most comfortable gender wise. It's probably just something to make myself feel better, but I've adapted the term gender queer or gender fluid. Like I'm not really either and I dress walk and talk like I want to, but I prefer the male pronouns. Lately I've been feeling like trans just doesn't fit on me as a term and also I don't really want to be stuffed in there because it's almost forbidden to be feminine when you're trans. I jut feel like the term gender fluid makes me feel more at home with myself. So that's great! Also lately I've been feeling a lot better, I've been smiling outside of my job and I've caught myself thinking that things are good. I don't have a lover and I barely have any money, my parents literally hates me, but things are ok for a change?? I just feel like things are finally going to be ok even if I'm alone in it, I still have friends and I'm going to make it in the end. I guess you could say I'm actually somewhere near glad?? It's a brilliant feeling uvu

Of courset there are days when everything is shit and I don't feel like continuing anything, but then I just Idek tell myself I'm better than being sad all the time. I don't really believe when people say I'm good looking or nice and sweet because I don't think I'm particularly nice to anyone, or sweet, or good looking, but something always makes me get up in the morning and even if I don't know what that is, I'm glad it's there. It's not a living hell any more!

I'm considering just making my other blog like a regular blog where I post snaps and stuff, but I don't know. People follow it for the sole reason of fashion, and I don't want to suddenly post something I said I wouldnt?

But I'll leave that to some other time, I'm heading off to bed uvu

untitled

And thus I clothe my naked villany

With old odd ends stolen out of holy writ; 

And seem a saint, when most I play the devil

----

Told him I didn't love him like that any longer. That it's time we part and stay away from each other. It's difficult. Trying to not have second thoughts. But I've done that one too many times. For my own sanity and for the sake of not continuously breaking his heart, I should probably stick to my choice this time.

Truth is I've just been thinking too much. Like, I'm not gonna get out in August, well, I am to Højskole, but I can't just move my address to his new place in Viborg (supposedly). It's not that easy is it? Because I'd have to move all my things, contribute to paying rent, even when I'm not exactly living there. I don't know. It's not really a reason.

I just think I'm too dependent. Like I've always been. I tell him I've changed, got my shit together, when in reality I'm still the wreck I've always been.

I don't understand why he even bothers to accept my apologies, I mean yea, I know he loves me and I know I'd accept him too countless of times, forgive the funk and just be happy. But I just don't understand it.

He kept telling me that it's weird how I say no one loves me and no one wants me, when he does. I guess that's true, but I just.. don't feel it? I can't even explain it. I just don't feel the love he claims to have for me. I haven't in a long time.

How could I?

I have too many doubts within myself, too little trust in people and the facts that he told me lately they just.. made the water flow over the edge of the glass, you know? The coin dropped. I lost the little trust I had in him. And even though I told myself it was long ago, or at least not while he was with me, the thoughts just didn't stop. I know he wouldn't ever be unfaithful to me, I just.... I know how he stole Felix from Mars back in the days, and I guess that's what bugs me?
Alas, it's over and I can't go back.

In the end of the day, this chapter ended when he started dating Felix, but I just can't seem to close the book. His presence still lingers, his touch on his skin, his lips against mine. His arms around me, his head against my shoulder. I don't know if I'll ever find someone who loves me so much as him, as unconditionally as him and for so long. I wish I could just take the safe road, get my shit together and get the fuck out from this hell house and be with him. Maybe not today I wont. Maybe not this year.

Someday, though, perhaps I'll stand in front of his door.

Maybe that's where destiny will lead me. Sometime, maybe. But for now, this book is closed. The documents have been hid away and the key to the drawer kept in a safe place, away from the eye.

Someday I might take it out, someday I might write a new chapter.
But for now, I'll let him forget me.
Move on.
Move out.
Find someone else.
Get an education.
A new cat.
And be happy.

What we were supposed to do together, I'll let him do with someone else.

Is that what love is?