all that's left

The thought hit me this morning. A song came on, on the stereo that I hadn't heard in a long time. And it woke some feelings. Or thoughts.
Anyhow, the song was Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard.
Now, if you're not familiar with the song, it goes like this.

Two lines in particular stuck in my mind for many hours afterwards.
'We could leave this town and run forever'
'I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together'

Hm.

Naturally I thought of him. So I asked around for his number as I had deleted it as I switched cellphones. At first his brother didn't want me to have it. So I sighed and left it at that. I guess that was the best in any case. But he gave it to me anyway, saying he wanted to speak to me.
I would have sent those particular lines to him, but decided against it.

He was supposed to be with his girlfriend today, and naturally I didn't want to spoil that. So I didn't, and in good thought. They're officially together now. That's nice for them, I'm happy he has someone special.

I'm not really angry either. I thought I would be. But I'm not really.
Maybe it's because I talked to her today. For hours. I started seeing her a couple of times lately. It's always a pleasure and I guess I'm not completely healed after what happened, what, a year ago by now? I still have a soft spot for her. And in the end I love her. Alas, she has a lot of things going on and has a girlfriend and likewise with him, I'm not going to destroy that. They're happy, gonna stay that way.

I'll just be the friend and pillar she needs me to be. I'll be her support and her guide. Someone she can depend on and see when she feels like it, regardless of time and date and hour.
I'll always be there for her, and that's a promise. I wont hurt her anymore.

I'm starting to grow distant and numb. People bore me, I barely feel anything anymore.
It's all flowing together in a mess of colors, sights and sounds.
I can't distinguish one from the other.
I don't know if I'm happy, or hurt, or sad, or overjoyed.
I can barely feel the physical pain I put on myself. It's just an endless blur of sights, a spur of the moment. A rollercoaster ride that never stops.

So, what should I feel?

no you're not sorry, no you don't care
because all I was for you
wasn't twice as good as her

happy or hurt
what's the difference?
it doesn't matter

flowing together
like two waters at a point
everything is blurred
nothing feels real

the best thing ♥

This is the best thing

The best thing that could be happening

And I think you would agree

The best thing is that

it's happening to you and me ♥

I'll stand up again

As I exhale I hear your voice

And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise

And from my lips the words I choose to say

Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise

Because I love you

Oh god, I love you

Wish granted ♥

So I guess that settles it.

I'm moving to Germany.

Whether or not it works out with Calvin, we'll take from there. Right now all that matters is getting away. And I'm young, I strive for adventure. And this will be an awfully big one.

And I'll give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

And sooner or later it's over

I just don't wanna miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's meant to be broken 

I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive