Someday, but not today

As the saying goes, nothing lasts forever. Eventually things break and fade. As goes for me. I've been compromised. I lost him, as quickly as he entered my life he left it again. Once again I'm left speechless, I can't seem to figure out left and right.

I'm not angry, and I'm only sad to a certain extent. I'm disappointed. I wonder what I did wrong, this time too that has happened before. There must be something I miss, something I lack. I just don't know what that could be.
Maybe communication. But he should know that I'm bad with texting. I feel better talking to someone. But apparently that wasn't good enough either.
I'm sorry I wasn't better. Sorry for myself, sorry for him. I wish it had lasted longer than a month. Im sorry
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

You're so cute when you're slurring your speech

Cause I built you a home in my heart

With rotten wood, it decayed from the start

You can't find nothing at all,

If there was nothing there all along

September coming and going and the world keeps on spinning. Day turns to night and a new day is dawning. Things change and yet they don't.

A lot have happened in the past month or so. A lot have changed. Two people who can't decide if they wanted to be in my life or not, have vanished. I rarely think about it any more, I guess it doesn't really matter. I take comfort in the quote 'some people enter your life for a reason, others just for a season'. I had a good time, for the most part and yea sometimes I miss them, but it's not so bad any more. We had our moments, and now they're gone and moving on. That's how it goes.

On another note, I met someone. Someone I realise, I like a lot more than I originally intended. 

I didn't want to write about him here, because I don't feel like I can truly capture the feelings he gives me correctly. I don't feel like I can describe the things he makes me feel, and maybe that's for the better. I can only say that he's perfect.

He's perfect.

 I'm not gonna say I love him just yet, but I have the feeling things are gonna be really good. I have a feeling he's the one. I have a feeling he's different. I'm in love, in a completely different way than I've ever been before. I want to buy gifts for him. I want to see him everyday after school, I want to hold his hand and just sit, staring at the night sky. I want to hold him close and feel his heartbeat, feel his warm breath on my skin. I want to be separated from him, but not for a long time, just enough to feel the sweet misery of missing him so damn much, knowing I will be able to see him again soon enough.

Hell, I can't wait to fall asleep beside him, knowing he's still there in the morning.

I think of him all the time, of his eyes, his nose, his lips, his hands, his voice, his entire being. His presence lingers and every time I take a walk in the city, I feel him there.

I can honestly say, I'm irrevocably and unconditionally in love with him.

HM

It's always me. I'm always the one to come back. Do I really love him more than he loves me? He's never taken the first step. I've always come to terms with things faster. I'm always apologizing, but is it not his turn to do the same?
He has always just moved on. Not said a word. And if I don't text him, it's silence for months. Every single time it was me. Or almost, I don't excatly remember everything. But.. But what? Where am I going with this? I don't know. It's just a realization.

God....

You're so complicated,
I must make an abrupt statement
I just hate that you lost faith
And I'm frustrated
I'm suffocating cause you're choking me blue
You push me off the edge and now I'm broken in two
Well half of me decides not to recognize your lies
And the other part of me just wants a moment of truth
My emotions are through
Twisted like the chains of a park swing
Cause you're a puppeteer pulling on my heart strings

Every time we start to fight
We never seem to get it right
It always comes back to you
You're so complicated

Ten thousand promises

Havde skrevet et langt indlæg omkring ham. Skulle til at runde det af og publicere det. Men så kom liv og Punk uventet på besøg og al smerten forsvandt for en stund. Jeg lod være. Slettede det igen. Satte mig til at lave noget andet.
Jeg ville ønske vores forhold ville fungere. Jeg ville ønske tingene var nemmere. Ligemeget hvad folk siger så er det altid ham der vil have mit hjerte. Ligemeget hvad jeg selv prøver at overbevise mig om. Ligemeget hvad min hjerne prøver at fortælle mig.
Jeg ville ønske jeg kunne gøre ham lykkelig, men når vi er sammen siger han altid at jeg gør ham utryg, han prøver at være en anden. Og det er usundt, foruroligende. Jeg ville ønske jeg kunne få han til at føle sig tilpas. Tilstrækkelig. Men det kan jeg åbenbart ikke. Gad vide hvorfor? Jeg elsker ham. Hver gang vi er sammen siger jeg det. Jeg mener det, hvert et ord hver en stavning. Måske er det det. Han elsker mig ikke rigtig, ellers ville han ikke prøve at ændre sig i nærheden af mig. Han ville vide bedre. Suk. Det er mig den er gal med, er det ikke? Det er mig der er en idiot. Jeg ville bare gerne at han er sig selv?
Jeg føler mig lidt anstrengt når vi er sammen. Står og tripper. Ved ikke helt hvad jeg skal gøre af mig selv. Føler jeg er for påtrængende. Føler jeg er clingy. Uduelig. Jeg ved ikke engang hvordan jeg skal gøre ham lykkelig. Ynkelig. Folk snakker om mig. Onde ting. Men de har ret. Men de tænker ikke på at det skal to til at danse tango. Alle tager hans parti... Men det er vores begges fejl der ikke spiller sammen. Jeg ved ikke hvor meget man skal tro på horoskoper, men måske har de ret når de siger vægten og tyren er alt for forskellige. Jeg ville gerne være undtagelsen der bekræfter regelen, fordi.. Jeg elsker ham bare virkelig meget... Jeez... Jeg ender som Felix...

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed
 I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

 Everything that I said I'd do
 Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
 I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
 And the world spins madly on

 I let the day go by
 I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
 The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

 Woke up and wished that I was dead
 With an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

 I thought of you and where you'd gone
 And the world spins madly on.

Frustration

Empty promises broken

Deep below

Each word gets lost in the echo

So one last lie I can see through

This time, I finally let you

Go, go, go

~ Linkin Park, Lost in the Echo ~

Frustration.
It's a trial.

I talked with her some days ago. It ended in a fight. She provoked me. I can't handle when people question me. Question what I do. She says she accepts me. Accepts my 'unhealthy' view on myself. That I'm a guy, trapped in the wrong body. Says she doesn't support it. Hell, she's the only person whose support would mean the world to me, and she doesn't. Mocks me. Says it's not right. Nothings ever good enough for her! Nothing I do is ever right. I'm just a shoulder to cry on, for her. Treats me like I mean everything to her one moment and trashes me the next. I wish I could understand her. I wish I would be enough for her, for once. That I would be perfect. But I'm not. I'm not a girl, not a guy. Not boyfriend material, not girlfriend material. I guess I finally understand what it means to be friendzoned.
She tells you, she can't be with a girl, then engages in a lesbian relationship only months after. I get it, I'm not good enough. I just... really wish I was, you know? And I'm left hanging where she left me. Because I'm a puppy and I'll always be hers. 

I wish I could just call her up, tell her she's my everything. That I love her more than everything, and I'm sorry. That if she only said she'd be mine, I'd give up this trans* thing forever. If she'd only accept me and her own sexuality, I'd even call myself a girl for her. I'd be someone I'm not, for her. I'd do everything, for her.

But as the story goes, she wont. Can't, she says. I wonder if it will go on like this forever. I wonder if at some point she'll look at me and say she's sorry. Say I'm the only one for her. That we could run away and start a-new.

I wonder - in vain. I know how the story ends. She made that clear to me. Painfully clear. It's no use... But I can't move on.. I wont.. Wont move on..

Mistakes

People talk about me. A lot lately. I hate it. I hate their judgmental stares, the hate in their eyes. The blame. And the guilt comes back. The thoughts of not being good enough, the self hate, the nausea. I lose my appetite, I lose my motivation. People are cruel now a days. Ive been visiting robin because he was really down, so I figured I should do something. So I came up here. One of first things we took some silly pictures together. He posted some on tumblr and one of them got the comment 'there's something gross beside you', referring to me. Ouch. It was from a person we both know that hate me, but still ouch. Although it does not come as a surprise. I'm sure he's got a lot of questions about me waiting for him when he logs in again. God. Sometimes I wish people would just shut up. Like I know I've made mistakes, but havent they? All I do lately is defend myself and my choices, mostly to anons on a stupid social network. I shouldn't have to do that! I shouldn't have to justify a single thing to then! So why do I feel the need to prove my point? I think I need to go home early. I think I need to sleep more, cuddle the dog, ignore the world. Just for another day. Ugh. All this drama makes me feel sick. Like I literally get nauseous when things like this happen. And that really is too much because I'm sick with a cold right now. It's all too much, too much... I feel worthless. Like nothing I ever do is good enough and I'm so tired. I'm so tired of not being able to make the right choices, I'm sick of being paranoid and feel disgusted with myself. I'm done. I know where I stand. Problem is I can't communicate that out to anyone. No one seems to be able to read my mind. What did I expect? I can't do anything right anyway. God I feel so ridiculously stupid. For hurting anyone. For hurting myself. Sometimes I think things were easier back in the day. Where I didn't have to deal with all these thoughts. I mean, I've been depressed since god knows when, but with all the robin drama it's been ten fold. Hate is a daily thing, harassment too. Things are much worse than they used to be, and I don't do anything about it. Why? I don't know. I love him I guess. I don't want to deal with anything because I just want to love him. And people won't let me. They have so many opinions on everything that they don't see what it does to people like me. When robin got all that hate on tumblr that was directed at me, I was sick with myself for days. I think I took it cooly? But regardless I was totally out of it. Hate doesn't get to me much normally but I don't know. It hurt so much. I couldn't take it. I wanted to protect him (and myself) so I did the only thing I could and knew how, broke up. Broke an engagement. Broke a heart. Broke my own in the fall. Things have been much worse since. Mentally it's only gone downhill. I don't know what to do of myself. I don't have anything to get up to any more, as I quit the school I was at. Couldn't do it. Didn't lie. I'm alone day in an day out. I should get help. Talk to my doctor. But I don't want to, what can she do? Advise me a psyciatrist, which is too expensive. Hand me pills that makes me fatter and more depressed. Can't do it. I won't do it. I think I'll go home soon. Take the bus at 9.05. I need to sleep. I have to leave this place before I become too attached. I love being here so so much, I love the sights, the sounds, even the cat when it wakes me up at 6 am....... When people talk, I start to wonder. If its really thr right thing. I mean no where near perfect, but somehow no matter what I do it ends up here. Lying with him in a bed with a way too small blanket and a way too cold room. Animals scratching cages. Something biting my toes....... Where was I?.... His brother said something the other day. That robin was about to make a big mistake. Me. I should just spare him. Get a grip and get going for real. But it's so difficult. Because I love him and he loves me, but things are so rough. I can't handle it at all. I'm tired. Tired of fighting, tired of proving myself, tired of people not respecting out choices. I'm not sure I can do it. But right now there's no obligation. No prizefight. No nothing. It's just the two of us and a world that doesn't quite understand. Then again a wise person once said that nothing worth having comes easy, that you have to fight for what you really want and need. Maybe this is what he meant? Someone having too much trouble with themselves to take proper care of who they love? I don't know what to do. I want to protect him. But I also just.. Want him. The security, everything. All of it. I just want to feel like this is right. Not just knowing what i got to do, but feeling it as well. It's crucial. Have the heart in it too. I hope things will clear up. For myself. But also for him.

Ten days, ten nights

I can't deny it, I miss him. I knew I would. But I wont do anything any longer. I'm sorry. I'm so terribly sorry. But I can't do anything. I love you oh so much, but I can't do anything. I'm sorry...

Ten days it's been since the last time I wrote here. I mean everything, it still stands. But I'm so weak right now. So fragile. He's got what, like ten people ready to be with him, and I got none
no one
because I fucked up
put my life on parade and let people figure out how much a douche I am. It hurts. But it's alright. It's for the greater good, right? Yea it is. I love him, but I'll let him go. Maybe forever. Maybe just for now. Although, I'm pretty sure it's for good this time. Because hey, he gave up. I get that. I understand. I wouldn't want to wait either. Not this time. Too many chances. Too much wasted time.

Sigh.

Looking back, two years ago I was a completely different person. Last year in june, I was at this very state. Because of her. And here I am again, because of someone else, someone I thought I could always count on and rely on. I guess time really does have a way of changing things. People, anything. But it's alright. Some people come into your life for a reason, others just for a season. And even if he was just there for a while in the end, I'll be grateful for that. Because I love him with all I have in me. In the end of the day it was always him, wasn't it? Back in june last year it was him as well. I was devastated because I thought she was better for me, but it turned out she was just as bad. I was sad because I then had no one. No second choice no nothing. And here I am again. I just wish things would turn out better. For once. I just want things to work out. Back to when we were happy. Back to that day in the Japanese Gardens. Our nervous laughs, our silent walks. Back to the silent nights and even the tears in my eyes when we broke up the first time. We've been through so much, he and I.

 It's a shame it's over so soon.

I wish it didn't have to be like this ...

I don't for a second believe you

But I guess I should.
Accept my fate, lay in the bed that I've made.
The least I could do was clean up the mess. Be straight with you.

The easiest way is always to lie. I don't know anything else. As I've done so many times before I lied and said there's no hope. We both know that's not true.

I'm depressed. Unstable. Worn out.

Cause and effect of something I've done myself.

It doesn't matter now.
I'm gonna carry on. Get myself out of this depression. Win my battles. Get help.
And who knows. Maybe when all of this is over, maybe I'll bump into you again.
Maybe on purpose. Maybe by accident.
And if you happen to be as lonely as me, and have at least one good memory of me in your heart, maybe, and I pray to god, maybe things will be alright again.

We both know I function even worse without you there. These months, years, will be a hell for me.
But what can you do.
I have to
accept it.

Because with every harsh word, every insult, there's only love. I don't mean it, as I'm sure you know. I don't mean it. I never meant it. My heart says it's sorry, but actions speak louder than words and I just don't know how to show you that I love you more than anything.

I just don't know.

And that's why I do this. I try to protect you. From the mess that I am. And if you've given up this time, that's fine. But I'll keep fighting, that one day things will be fine. It may take years.

But I wont give up.

I hope you know that.

May 12th

It's been exhausting. The weekend, I mean. Robin convinced my to go back to herning with him, to svs. And it was mighty fun, I've missed a lot of people and they were all happy to see me there after all. Punk especially. I don't really understand why she thinks so nicely off me, but I'm happy. She's one of my best friends. Sarah, Em, shin, Bianca, Bonita, they were all happy to see me. Anine too. It was great. It's been a while. I was at work as usual Saturday and afterwards robin was supposed to come to Aarhus and entertain me for a while. He did, but not after long he asked me to go back with him, and so I did. I love driving with him, it's soothing a d reassuring somehow. Cozy. I don't know how to describe it, but it's just really nice. Anyway I got our rings Friday or something and asked him if he wanted to have it Saturday or the 5th. The 5th is our two year anniversary so that's a little special. But we decided to just use them and say we got engaged 5th June. Haha. I want to tell my mother. But I'm just afraid she'll throw me out. Or perhaps it's a good time now, since my dad is in the hospital and not coming home for a while. If she gets too upset maybe I should just explain how he affects my depression positively, like he keeps me from suicide. That'd do it. She can't be alone lately. But I'm nervous. Oh well, at least I can move out if it's necessary. I have somewhere to go. I can live with robin and maybe start hf on vuc in viborg. Maybe. If everything goes well I won't have to move just yet.

Memories

I miss the cold December nights, when we would lay cuddled up in your bed, hands eagerly exploring every part of each others bodies. Fingers gracing skin, lips colliding in heated kisses. I miss falling asleep in your arms, I miss listening to your heartbeat, I miss the intimacy we used to have. I miss having someone on top of me, I miss the passionate kisses, the touches, the curiosity, I miss the warmth spreading through my body, I miss the ecstasy, the thrill of the moment. I miss the butterflies and I miss the muffled moans. I miss the intimacy.

And there was sorrow

Suddenly the thoughts starts crawling back, you start thinking things you don't want to, things you've been hiding far away in the farthest corner of your mind.

It's been quiet lately. No war, no fights. Just an endless stream of thoughts. Neutral. Nothing for and nothing against. It's been almost pleasant. But I've waited. Patiently, because it always comes back.

There's nothing positive. It's all screaming. 'Stop it', it yells. 'You're too weak and you can't do this'. 'You're gonna hurt them, hurt him, disappoint everyone.' 'It's just a matter of time before you break'.

It scares me.

Because it's right. I know this. I'm gonna back out eventually. I've cancelled the order of the rings. I've cancelled SVS. I'm sure I'll also back out the next time he asks to see me.

It scares me, my mind is so fragile. Any tiny detail and the wall crumbles.

I can't do this.

I can't do anything.

I can't do him justice.

I can't stay.

Untitled II

A lot of things have been happening recently.
The week started out like any other. Well, not quite. I had a good day monday, until my advisor came by the store for a talk. I don't mind these talks because usually it's all good stuff. But this time, it wasn't. Well, there was only one negative thing, but it's the one and only thing that I'm sensitive about. My depression.
I have difficult times. It varies in length, but lately it's been for months at a time. Most recently was in march or something. I can't remember why, but I know I had a tough time just then. For the entire month. And it wasn't until April started that I got myself back up and got to be my usual self. I was really sad for the entire month. And even when I came to work, I barely did anything. I was tired, unstable, easily annoyed and I had just gotten my iphone, so I shut myself up mostly.
Of course my boss noticed, everyone did.
And I'm just generally sensitive about this issue, because I try so hard normally to keep it hidden away. No one knew before that meeting that I have a depression and how hard it is for me to get up in the morning.
While I don't mind people knowing I just... don't like talking about it I guess? Because the tears well up in my eyes at the first word. When someone notices it and asks, the tears just come rolling down my cheeks and I can't make it stop. And I guess that's it. I hate when people see me cry. I feel weak and pathetic and while it's not my fault I have a depression, it just makes me come off weak, yknow? While it's not. It's actually the complete opposite.

But still.

Anyway, I just started crying. Bawling my eyes out, even though I didn't want to. And they thought it was because of the negative things he said, but it wasn't. I can handle criticism, but not when it's about my depression or my actions because of it.

But I digress.

Tuesday was my off day. I started it out with visiting my Højskole with my advisor, got a tour and such, to see if it was what I thought it was.
I had imagined it to be more... school like, but it was more relaxed and there was a really nice atmosphere there. I liked it. So we reserved a one man room for me and I'm accepted there for the autumn course. I'm excited for that! It's gonna be tough for me because there's so many people, but they all share a lot of my interests and I'm bound to find someone who likes the more bizarre things as much as I do.

My biggest worry is that I wont be able to talk to anyone because I wont be sharing a room with anyone like most of the others.
Hopefully I wont be totally alone for 17 weeks.

Wednesday started out pretty normal, but things got weird when I came home. My dad was drunk off his head and was really annoying, as he always is when he's drunk.
He locked himself up in the garage shortly after my mum came home and stayed out there completely silent till like 10.

I was on my way to bed when I heard my mum shouting from outside, and glass shattering. I just thought it was my dad throwing a fit because he was drunk, so at first I thought what the hell and went to the bathroom. The shouting got louder and I thought 'that's weird, she sounds like she's panicking'. So I went outside, only to see the garage in flames. And I admit, I panicked too. My mum was on the phone with the police or fire fighters or whatever, already so I did what anyone would try to do - put out the flames. I got a bowl and started hurling water over the flames but of course it was in vain, the flames were already too much. So I grabbed my dog and sat in my room. The electricity was gone too, because everything is connected with the garage and the wires had probably melted out there or something.

So I sat there for a while, in the dark, petting my dog.
And I called Robin, because, I don't know, I felt like I needed to hear his voice.
It was soothing for a while, then my mum barged in and the cops came to talk to us about what happened.

The panic passed and I became more and more furious with my dad.

I don't remember much more except my aunt came and we were in the hospital till about 2 am, and then we drove home and I went to bed.

The next days passed pretty slowly. I was at home with my mum and aunt, taking care of what needs to be taken care of. I've been feeling pretty normal, though. I haven't cried since wednesday night.

Saturday afternoon Sarah came over. We've relaxed and had fun, and it was nice seeing someone for a change. We watched Norwegian Wood for the second time and once again about the only thing I can remember from it is when Naoko talks about how it would be brilliant if you could get stuck between age 18 and 19. And of course the thought process comes back to Kizuki who killed himself at age 17, and as the narrator states himself - only the dead stay 17 forever. The title of my blog. A sort of philosophy in life. Live, don't regret because only the dead stay 17 forever.

She went home sunday, and left me with a feeling of loneliness and despair. Finally feelings are emerging, and I'm afraid my mum will take them as a result of my fathers suicide attempt, while it's just because of all the other things in my life. I feel so damn lonely, and miserable and I don't know why. I'm angry with my dad, but otherwise there's no feelings connected to that incident.

And here I am, crying again. For the first time since wednesday, but probably not the last in the coming week.

I haven't talked with Robin for days.

He just stopped writing, I guess. I'm not that interesting anyway. I'm a wreck anyway.

He's not even updating me.

Or telling me whats wrong when I ask.

Did he already grow tired of me?

I can't help but wonder, if it's the right thing.

I know he's got his right now and that it's probably gonna be difficult to keep in touch all the time it's just.. A big change, so fast.
And I mean now of all times? I need to talk to him. I guess, but I'm stubborn.
I won't admit it.
And tomorrow I'm starting work again, I feel like I'm giving myself an excuse to ignore him.
Like I've felt ignored this whole time.

distancing yourself

It's difficult. Trying to care when you're in need of care yourself. Trying to take the first step and hold out a hand when you're having a hard time just standing. Trying to pull someone up when your legs are shaking.

I'm not good with these situations. I don't know what to do, I tense up and remain silent, even though I see the pain in their eyes, hear the sadness behind their cheery words and feel the sorrow radiating from them. I've never been good with humans, I can't tell when they're happy from when they're sad, and if they hint me it's most likely to pass right over my head.
But when I get the feel that something is wrong, I don't know the feeling just stick. Things start clearing up somehow. I guess that's whats going on.
He's feeling so down and is so depressed about how things turned out, and I just can't do a thing. When I most want to run up to him and hug him, tell him things are going to be fine and all that, I just can't. And I find that I'm distancing myself more and more.

I'm not the first to send a text saying what's up, are you sad? I'm not the first to jump on a train and not give a fuck about anything else. And I feel bad for that, because I think people get the wrong impression of me. Truth is, I'm just.. not good at being comforting. And when things are so bad I don't even know what to say, then well... I can't say anything.

Clamped up.

I'm tired of feeling useless like this, I feel like I'm not good for anything or anyone. I mean, I can't even comfort those I care about!

Hopeless.

Helpless.

Don't let it win

I hate having negative thoughts and feelings like this. It's different from usual, because it's not about myself.
It's about her.
Now first of all let me make this much clear - I don't know her, I don't intend on getting to know her, heck I don't even want to meet her. I don't like her. For no particular reason. Or maybe for the reason that she's in love with him.
It bugs me so much.
It's ridiculous.
It bugs me so much I feel like I should get rid of her.
Kill her.
Erase her from existence.

I don't want to kill anyone, but there's just this feeling, like anger boiling in my stomach and I just want to get rid of her so badly. So that she wont have the chance of coming between me and him, so that there wont be the slightest chance that when they move in together he develops feelings for her.

I feel terrible for thinking he would ever cheat on me, but I just can't help it.
I shouldn't be thinking this.

I had really hoped that when she heard we were together again she would run away, turn around and never ever come back. Naive, right?
Why should anyone do that.
I'm not intimidating, I bet.
She thinks she still has a chance.

And what if she does?

He wants so badly to move in with her.
They'll do it.

I said I'd visit him.

I wont.

Not while she's there.

I'm afraid I'll just kill her then and there. Lose my mind and stab her guts with the nearest kitchen knife. Watch her insides spill onto the floor, hear the screaming, feel the blood.

That's kinda a weird thought.

Murdering someone in a jealous frenzy.

I'm going crazy, I'm sure of it.

Back to business

It's silly really, but I'm proud of myself. Today for the very first time I walked around the house in boxers only, parents home and all and I didn't give a single fuck. I'm so proud of myself haha, I've come a long way, despite what I may think at times. I've grown to be more comfortable with myself, even with my boobs, despite the fact that they shouldn't be there. I just tell myself, it's ok to walk around topless, because if everything was as it should be, my boobs shouldn't be there and it'd be acceptable. Someday they're gonna be gone, so I gotta feel good showing off my chest yea? Whether there's unnecessary fat or not, right? That's what I'm doing at least. It's a brilliant feeling!

Anyway, As it's the first of April today, there's only two months left of my work in Photocare. I'm not sure how I feel about that, I mean it's going to be though not having anything to wake up to in the morning, and I'm sure I'll get out of shape fast. But then again, it's summer soon and I'll be more motivated to do something about my body. It'll be fine I guess.

More than ever I'm determined to become handsome, get a slimmer face and work out more. I want to be someone I can feel comfortable with, and even if I am really comfortable right now, who knows when that will end? So I have some ideals I want to achieve, so I'll work on that over the summer :)

I asked Izzy if she wanted to go with me to London this summer, but since the OL is there, we'll probably go to Paris instead. I'm not sure whether or not I can actually make it, but we'll see... Of course I hope it'll happen. My mum even said it's ok for me to go. I'm an adult and all, but I'm surprised she was so easy about it. Normally, I'd have to convince her for days on end just to get a maybe.
Maybe I've shown more responsibility lately? Having a job and all. And I'm turning 19, I guess she realised that she can't really hold me forever.

So I'll try to make it happen! It's going to be so awesome. I love Izzy a whole lot, and we share a lot of interests, so it should be so nice. Paris is a wonderful city, which I've sadly only been to once many years ago, so it'll be awesome going there again! Even if the days will mostly consist of shopping, haha!

Hmm I guess that's it for now. Things are great, I'm glad and I'm not either in love or craving love! Marvelous!

Walk on air

Somehow I find it really hilarious that he already has a seemingly 'new crush'. It's all just so stupid its so fun, really. I mean come on its been what, a week at most or something. Thoug I knew this would be the case. It always is. I just wish he would stop hurting so many people because he is starving for love and attention :/ emotional pain scars people like nothing else. Pfffftt.

Anyway I think I've finally found out what to do with myself, like how I feel most comfortable gender wise. It's probably just something to make myself feel better, but I've adapted the term gender queer or gender fluid. Like I'm not really either and I dress walk and talk like I want to, but I prefer the male pronouns. Lately I've been feeling like trans just doesn't fit on me as a term and also I don't really want to be stuffed in there because it's almost forbidden to be feminine when you're trans. I jut feel like the term gender fluid makes me feel more at home with myself. So that's great! Also lately I've been feeling a lot better, I've been smiling outside of my job and I've caught myself thinking that things are good. I don't have a lover and I barely have any money, my parents literally hates me, but things are ok for a change?? I just feel like things are finally going to be ok even if I'm alone in it, I still have friends and I'm going to make it in the end. I guess you could say I'm actually somewhere near glad?? It's a brilliant feeling uvu

Of courset there are days when everything is shit and I don't feel like continuing anything, but then I just Idek tell myself I'm better than being sad all the time. I don't really believe when people say I'm good looking or nice and sweet because I don't think I'm particularly nice to anyone, or sweet, or good looking, but something always makes me get up in the morning and even if I don't know what that is, I'm glad it's there. It's not a living hell any more!

I'm considering just making my other blog like a regular blog where I post snaps and stuff, but I don't know. People follow it for the sole reason of fashion, and I don't want to suddenly post something I said I wouldnt?

But I'll leave that to some other time, I'm heading off to bed uvu

untitled

And thus I clothe my naked villany

With old odd ends stolen out of holy writ; 

And seem a saint, when most I play the devil

----

Told him I didn't love him like that any longer. That it's time we part and stay away from each other. It's difficult. Trying to not have second thoughts. But I've done that one too many times. For my own sanity and for the sake of not continuously breaking his heart, I should probably stick to my choice this time.

Truth is I've just been thinking too much. Like, I'm not gonna get out in August, well, I am to Højskole, but I can't just move my address to his new place in Viborg (supposedly). It's not that easy is it? Because I'd have to move all my things, contribute to paying rent, even when I'm not exactly living there. I don't know. It's not really a reason.

I just think I'm too dependent. Like I've always been. I tell him I've changed, got my shit together, when in reality I'm still the wreck I've always been.

I don't understand why he even bothers to accept my apologies, I mean yea, I know he loves me and I know I'd accept him too countless of times, forgive the funk and just be happy. But I just don't understand it.

He kept telling me that it's weird how I say no one loves me and no one wants me, when he does. I guess that's true, but I just.. don't feel it? I can't even explain it. I just don't feel the love he claims to have for me. I haven't in a long time.

How could I?

I have too many doubts within myself, too little trust in people and the facts that he told me lately they just.. made the water flow over the edge of the glass, you know? The coin dropped. I lost the little trust I had in him. And even though I told myself it was long ago, or at least not while he was with me, the thoughts just didn't stop. I know he wouldn't ever be unfaithful to me, I just.... I know how he stole Felix from Mars back in the days, and I guess that's what bugs me?
Alas, it's over and I can't go back.

In the end of the day, this chapter ended when he started dating Felix, but I just can't seem to close the book. His presence still lingers, his touch on his skin, his lips against mine. His arms around me, his head against my shoulder. I don't know if I'll ever find someone who loves me so much as him, as unconditionally as him and for so long. I wish I could just take the safe road, get my shit together and get the fuck out from this hell house and be with him. Maybe not today I wont. Maybe not this year.

Someday, though, perhaps I'll stand in front of his door.

Maybe that's where destiny will lead me. Sometime, maybe. But for now, this book is closed. The documents have been hid away and the key to the drawer kept in a safe place, away from the eye.

Someday I might take it out, someday I might write a new chapter.
But for now, I'll let him forget me.
Move on.
Move out.
Find someone else.
Get an education.
A new cat.
And be happy.

What we were supposed to do together, I'll let him do with someone else.

Is that what love is?

all that's left

The thought hit me this morning. A song came on, on the stereo that I hadn't heard in a long time. And it woke some feelings. Or thoughts.
Anyhow, the song was Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard.
Now, if you're not familiar with the song, it goes like this.

Two lines in particular stuck in my mind for many hours afterwards.
'We could leave this town and run forever'
'I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together'

Hm.

Naturally I thought of him. So I asked around for his number as I had deleted it as I switched cellphones. At first his brother didn't want me to have it. So I sighed and left it at that. I guess that was the best in any case. But he gave it to me anyway, saying he wanted to speak to me.
I would have sent those particular lines to him, but decided against it.

He was supposed to be with his girlfriend today, and naturally I didn't want to spoil that. So I didn't, and in good thought. They're officially together now. That's nice for them, I'm happy he has someone special.

I'm not really angry either. I thought I would be. But I'm not really.
Maybe it's because I talked to her today. For hours. I started seeing her a couple of times lately. It's always a pleasure and I guess I'm not completely healed after what happened, what, a year ago by now? I still have a soft spot for her. And in the end I love her. Alas, she has a lot of things going on and has a girlfriend and likewise with him, I'm not going to destroy that. They're happy, gonna stay that way.

I'll just be the friend and pillar she needs me to be. I'll be her support and her guide. Someone she can depend on and see when she feels like it, regardless of time and date and hour.
I'll always be there for her, and that's a promise. I wont hurt her anymore.

I'm starting to grow distant and numb. People bore me, I barely feel anything anymore.
It's all flowing together in a mess of colors, sights and sounds.
I can't distinguish one from the other.
I don't know if I'm happy, or hurt, or sad, or overjoyed.
I can barely feel the physical pain I put on myself. It's just an endless blur of sights, a spur of the moment. A rollercoaster ride that never stops.

So, what should I feel?

no you're not sorry, no you don't care
because all I was for you
wasn't twice as good as her

happy or hurt
what's the difference?
it doesn't matter

flowing together
like two waters at a point
everything is blurred
nothing feels real

the best thing ♥

This is the best thing

The best thing that could be happening

And I think you would agree

The best thing is that

it's happening to you and me ♥

I'll stand up again

As I exhale I hear your voice

And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise

And from my lips the words I choose to say

Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise

Because I love you

Oh god, I love you

Wish granted ♥

So I guess that settles it.

I'm moving to Germany.

Whether or not it works out with Calvin, we'll take from there. Right now all that matters is getting away. And I'm young, I strive for adventure. And this will be an awfully big one.

And I'll give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

And sooner or later it's over

I just don't wanna miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's meant to be broken 

I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive