Going away

So Christmas ends and the wretched 24th is behind us. I don't know whether to be relieved or sad. I'm just tired lately I guess.
I have been feeling very torn about a lot of things, mostly my girlfriends japan trip, like, of course I want her to be happy but I don't want her to leave me here alone.... But alas I'm going to be alone and I can't do a thing.
I'm moving out again, because this apartment is just way too expensive for me to handle alone, and I'm not sure I want to stay here when she leaves. Because I know she's not coming back, everything ends when she leaves, she doesn't even want to move in with me again when she comes home and she doesn't want me to say goodbye at the airport. She says she loves me but these things say something different. I guess I'm just tired of never really knowing what the hell is going on in her head?
It's tough.
I'm tired.
Sad.
I lover her.

Tonight I fall in love

This week, will undoubtedly be hell. But I wont submit this time; I'll withstand their taunting looks and whispering in the corners. I will laugh and smile and be happy. Because for once I feel like it's going to be okay, for once I feel like I can go this distance.
This week I will fall in love with myself, I will love every inch of my scarred body, and I will cherish the fact that I'm alive and well and I have a wonderful girlfriend who supports me through everything.
This week I will finally be happy with myself, I will look in the mirror and think that I'm good looking, I will stand on the weight and feel like I'm perfect, I will do my best in school and keep up my good work. I will not be depressed this week. And when I come home to my loving girlfriend by the end of the week, I shall kiss her and tell her that I love her, and wish that one day she may love me as much as I love her, now that I finally can love myself. I'm al-right. I'm ok.
I'm happy and I'm alive.

you

i think im the only person you havent kissed on camera
i think im the only person you were so ashamed of that you didnt want to show me to the world
perhaps you hated me, and perhaps i hated myself
you were always so ashamed of me
didnt want to kiss in public
didnt want to kiss on the trains
didnt want this didnt want that
didnt take pictures of me in my sleep, didnt post them online
didnt do the things you do with your new boyfriend
i dont know if im jealous or sad or maybe both
you have all that and heaven too, and i only have this adult grown up love
which of course, is fine its ok its perfect, i love my girlfriend to pieces
i adore her and i want to do anything for her
but i guess i sort of miss
feeling
loved

Death

I dreamt about him for the first time in a long time. I think about him a lot, but this time it was a dream.
He was young, carefree and wild as he was when I first met him. I was shy, long hair covering my face. I loved him, he saw it in my eyes. He loved me, too, but I fear he first really loved me when I left. Regardless,
we were on a meadow, or maybe it was a park. I don't recall. We were laughing. One of his friends was there, Kimi I think her name was. I was wearing a checkered hoodie and baggy pants. I can't recall his clothes.
He told me his girl name, then. I remember it clearly.
Scene cuts, we're in a cinema. I hand him a note.
'Will you marry me?'
I laugh.
I wake up, I'm crying.