Going away

So Christmas ends and the wretched 24th is behind us. I don't know whether to be relieved or sad. I'm just tired lately I guess.
I have been feeling very torn about a lot of things, mostly my girlfriends japan trip, like, of course I want her to be happy but I don't want her to leave me here alone.... But alas I'm going to be alone and I can't do a thing.
I'm moving out again, because this apartment is just way too expensive for me to handle alone, and I'm not sure I want to stay here when she leaves. Because I know she's not coming back, everything ends when she leaves, she doesn't even want to move in with me again when she comes home and she doesn't want me to say goodbye at the airport. She says she loves me but these things say something different. I guess I'm just tired of never really knowing what the hell is going on in her head?
It's tough.
I'm tired.
Sad.
I lover her.