all that's left

The thought hit me this morning. A song came on, on the stereo that I hadn't heard in a long time. And it woke some feelings. Or thoughts.
Anyhow, the song was Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard.
Now, if you're not familiar with the song, it goes like this.

Two lines in particular stuck in my mind for many hours afterwards.
'We could leave this town and run forever'
'I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together'

Hm.

Naturally I thought of him. So I asked around for his number as I had deleted it as I switched cellphones. At first his brother didn't want me to have it. So I sighed and left it at that. I guess that was the best in any case. But he gave it to me anyway, saying he wanted to speak to me.
I would have sent those particular lines to him, but decided against it.

He was supposed to be with his girlfriend today, and naturally I didn't want to spoil that. So I didn't, and in good thought. They're officially together now. That's nice for them, I'm happy he has someone special.

I'm not really angry either. I thought I would be. But I'm not really.
Maybe it's because I talked to her today. For hours. I started seeing her a couple of times lately. It's always a pleasure and I guess I'm not completely healed after what happened, what, a year ago by now? I still have a soft spot for her. And in the end I love her. Alas, she has a lot of things going on and has a girlfriend and likewise with him, I'm not going to destroy that. They're happy, gonna stay that way.

I'll just be the friend and pillar she needs me to be. I'll be her support and her guide. Someone she can depend on and see when she feels like it, regardless of time and date and hour.
I'll always be there for her, and that's a promise. I wont hurt her anymore.

I'm starting to grow distant and numb. People bore me, I barely feel anything anymore.
It's all flowing together in a mess of colors, sights and sounds.
I can't distinguish one from the other.
I don't know if I'm happy, or hurt, or sad, or overjoyed.
I can barely feel the physical pain I put on myself. It's just an endless blur of sights, a spur of the moment. A rollercoaster ride that never stops.

So, what should I feel?