the war within

More than ever I'm seriously considering seeing a psychiatrist of some kind. Not only on my gender issues, but also on my split personality that I've been experiencing, lately more often than not. It's sort of a delicate thing to explain and talk about- and I have trouble putting it into words.

It's like I have this, split mind. One half of it is always positive about everything and the other is skeptical and negative. They're at war- constantly. Or at least regarding bigger decisions and whatnot. They're shouting at each other, one talking for something, the other against it. The pessimistic and the optimistic? The pessimistic almost always wins. And when the other does, the negative mind always finds a way to make me do things I regret. Like telling my crush things wont work without even having tried it. Like telling your ex you want him back and then pushing him away the next day.

It's because of this war that's in my mind that I keep messing up. I keep doing something and regretting it the next day.

It's not so much anymore, but earlier this year and some years before, I had these 'blackouts' where I couldn't remember what I had said or done maybe six hours at a time. I remember my boyfriend at some point telling me I had furiously broken up with him several times and the next day been all lovey-dovey and not remembering a thing. It's scary. Earlier this year I had this where I was in school for six hours or so, and the time from when I got home and till I went to bed was completely erased from my memory. We had this sort of 'what did I do yesterday' round going on at my school at the time, and when I was my turn I could never remember a thing. It puzzled me at the time, but I passed it off as 'I was probably tired and went to sleep or something', but it continued happening. I could recall every single assignment of the school day, but nothing from my spare time.

As I said I haven't been experiencing that thing for a while, but I'm afraid it will come back. I have been at war with myself for too long. It needs to be stopped, I'm just afraid that it's me. That there's no disorder, no illness, that it's just me that's fucked up beyond repair.

I'm afraid.

I fucked it up with my ex a lot of times, and he gave me so much chances, but isn't it really time to move on? But on the other hand I already fucked things up with the new guy as well, haha. I broke it off before it even started. Which is weird, because I'm usually really open about such and I'm ready to take on a challenge.
Or am I?
Aren't I really just too scared to try something new? That's why I keep moving back to the safe road that's my ex, isn't it?
I wish he would just have pulled me aside last week and said what I wished I had said back when I acted fucked up in front of him. 'I don't care if you're weird, or messed up. I don't care if you have a disorder or if you're just an idiot. I want to make this work, because I've fallen in love with you.'
But he didn't.

Of course he didn't..