Someday, but not today

As the saying goes, nothing lasts forever. Eventually things break and fade. As goes for me. I've been compromised. I lost him, as quickly as he entered my life he left it again. Once again I'm left speechless, I can't seem to figure out left and right.

I'm not angry, and I'm only sad to a certain extent. I'm disappointed. I wonder what I did wrong, this time too that has happened before. There must be something I miss, something I lack. I just don't know what that could be.
Maybe communication. But he should know that I'm bad with texting. I feel better talking to someone. But apparently that wasn't good enough either.
I'm sorry I wasn't better. Sorry for myself, sorry for him. I wish it had lasted longer than a month. Im sorry
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

You're so cute when you're slurring your speech

Cause I built you a home in my heart

With rotten wood, it decayed from the start

You can't find nothing at all,

If there was nothing there all along

September coming and going and the world keeps on spinning. Day turns to night and a new day is dawning. Things change and yet they don't.

A lot have happened in the past month or so. A lot have changed. Two people who can't decide if they wanted to be in my life or not, have vanished. I rarely think about it any more, I guess it doesn't really matter. I take comfort in the quote 'some people enter your life for a reason, others just for a season'. I had a good time, for the most part and yea sometimes I miss them, but it's not so bad any more. We had our moments, and now they're gone and moving on. That's how it goes.

On another note, I met someone. Someone I realise, I like a lot more than I originally intended. 

I didn't want to write about him here, because I don't feel like I can truly capture the feelings he gives me correctly. I don't feel like I can describe the things he makes me feel, and maybe that's for the better. I can only say that he's perfect.

He's perfect.

 I'm not gonna say I love him just yet, but I have the feeling things are gonna be really good. I have a feeling he's the one. I have a feeling he's different. I'm in love, in a completely different way than I've ever been before. I want to buy gifts for him. I want to see him everyday after school, I want to hold his hand and just sit, staring at the night sky. I want to hold him close and feel his heartbeat, feel his warm breath on my skin. I want to be separated from him, but not for a long time, just enough to feel the sweet misery of missing him so damn much, knowing I will be able to see him again soon enough.

Hell, I can't wait to fall asleep beside him, knowing he's still there in the morning.

I think of him all the time, of his eyes, his nose, his lips, his hands, his voice, his entire being. His presence lingers and every time I take a walk in the city, I feel him there.

I can honestly say, I'm irrevocably and unconditionally in love with him.

HM

It's always me. I'm always the one to come back. Do I really love him more than he loves me? He's never taken the first step. I've always come to terms with things faster. I'm always apologizing, but is it not his turn to do the same?
He has always just moved on. Not said a word. And if I don't text him, it's silence for months. Every single time it was me. Or almost, I don't excatly remember everything. But.. But what? Where am I going with this? I don't know. It's just a realization.

God....

You're so complicated,
I must make an abrupt statement
I just hate that you lost faith
And I'm frustrated
I'm suffocating cause you're choking me blue
You push me off the edge and now I'm broken in two
Well half of me decides not to recognize your lies
And the other part of me just wants a moment of truth
My emotions are through
Twisted like the chains of a park swing
Cause you're a puppeteer pulling on my heart strings

Every time we start to fight
We never seem to get it right
It always comes back to you
You're so complicated

Ten thousand promises

Havde skrevet et langt indlæg omkring ham. Skulle til at runde det af og publicere det. Men så kom liv og Punk uventet på besøg og al smerten forsvandt for en stund. Jeg lod være. Slettede det igen. Satte mig til at lave noget andet.
Jeg ville ønske vores forhold ville fungere. Jeg ville ønske tingene var nemmere. Ligemeget hvad folk siger så er det altid ham der vil have mit hjerte. Ligemeget hvad jeg selv prøver at overbevise mig om. Ligemeget hvad min hjerne prøver at fortælle mig.
Jeg ville ønske jeg kunne gøre ham lykkelig, men når vi er sammen siger han altid at jeg gør ham utryg, han prøver at være en anden. Og det er usundt, foruroligende. Jeg ville ønske jeg kunne få han til at føle sig tilpas. Tilstrækkelig. Men det kan jeg åbenbart ikke. Gad vide hvorfor? Jeg elsker ham. Hver gang vi er sammen siger jeg det. Jeg mener det, hvert et ord hver en stavning. Måske er det det. Han elsker mig ikke rigtig, ellers ville han ikke prøve at ændre sig i nærheden af mig. Han ville vide bedre. Suk. Det er mig den er gal med, er det ikke? Det er mig der er en idiot. Jeg ville bare gerne at han er sig selv?
Jeg føler mig lidt anstrengt når vi er sammen. Står og tripper. Ved ikke helt hvad jeg skal gøre af mig selv. Føler jeg er for påtrængende. Føler jeg er clingy. Uduelig. Jeg ved ikke engang hvordan jeg skal gøre ham lykkelig. Ynkelig. Folk snakker om mig. Onde ting. Men de har ret. Men de tænker ikke på at det skal to til at danse tango. Alle tager hans parti... Men det er vores begges fejl der ikke spiller sammen. Jeg ved ikke hvor meget man skal tro på horoskoper, men måske har de ret når de siger vægten og tyren er alt for forskellige. Jeg ville gerne være undtagelsen der bekræfter regelen, fordi.. Jeg elsker ham bare virkelig meget... Jeez... Jeg ender som Felix...

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed
 I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

 Everything that I said I'd do
 Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
 I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
 And the world spins madly on

 I let the day go by
 I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
 The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

 Woke up and wished that I was dead
 With an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

 I thought of you and where you'd gone
 And the world spins madly on.

Frustration

Empty promises broken

Deep below

Each word gets lost in the echo

So one last lie I can see through

This time, I finally let you

Go, go, go

~ Linkin Park, Lost in the Echo ~

Frustration.
It's a trial.

I talked with her some days ago. It ended in a fight. She provoked me. I can't handle when people question me. Question what I do. She says she accepts me. Accepts my 'unhealthy' view on myself. That I'm a guy, trapped in the wrong body. Says she doesn't support it. Hell, she's the only person whose support would mean the world to me, and she doesn't. Mocks me. Says it's not right. Nothings ever good enough for her! Nothing I do is ever right. I'm just a shoulder to cry on, for her. Treats me like I mean everything to her one moment and trashes me the next. I wish I could understand her. I wish I would be enough for her, for once. That I would be perfect. But I'm not. I'm not a girl, not a guy. Not boyfriend material, not girlfriend material. I guess I finally understand what it means to be friendzoned.
She tells you, she can't be with a girl, then engages in a lesbian relationship only months after. I get it, I'm not good enough. I just... really wish I was, you know? And I'm left hanging where she left me. Because I'm a puppy and I'll always be hers. 

I wish I could just call her up, tell her she's my everything. That I love her more than everything, and I'm sorry. That if she only said she'd be mine, I'd give up this trans* thing forever. If she'd only accept me and her own sexuality, I'd even call myself a girl for her. I'd be someone I'm not, for her. I'd do everything, for her.

But as the story goes, she wont. Can't, she says. I wonder if it will go on like this forever. I wonder if at some point she'll look at me and say she's sorry. Say I'm the only one for her. That we could run away and start a-new.

I wonder - in vain. I know how the story ends. She made that clear to me. Painfully clear. It's no use... But I can't move on.. I wont.. Wont move on..